Top 5 memories of SCC History - part i

Day 1 of SCC 2008, the wind at Aberdovey blowing harder than Ben Williams' arse after a curry. Pet Bumwell, decided to be a big man and have more than the required 2 pints in between the morning and afternoon rounds, then subsequently nailing one of the biggest drives of his life off the 1st tee... it must have flown all of 9 yards ending up in this lovely position (see image)... nice lie, sitting up, ball slightly below his feet, I don't remember the outcome of this shot as I spent the next 5 minutes changing my trousers having wet myself with laughter! What a legendary moment and one that this great tournament should dwell on in the years to come!

More memories to follow...

Fans 'Panicking Their Balls off' at schedule news...

Grown men squealing like little girls has been the noise which has surrounded SCC HQ this afternoon. We haven't had any confirm news as of yet but brief sightings of the new SCC Captain Nick 'Cooey Sailor' Brooker and his President in crime Mat 'I think I'll be buying a new putter' Kinson, have only added rumour and specualtion to the gossip about SCC 2011.

As most of you know by now, it has not been a happy few months since the completion of SCC 2010. The once great Matthew Miller has been whittled to the toothpick of a man he once was after taking on the Guyton name, and further prostitution rumours have only deepened his wounds. His apparent 'sex for cash' arrangement with Ben Williams was sprayed across the red tops only a month ago, threatening the upcoming nuptials for Mr Miller. This, thankfully, did not prevent the marriage, but it did mean that Ben had to put his knob elsewhere .... Congratulations to Mrs Sally Williams, in her upcoming pregnancy.


We did try today to get some news out of the new SCC captain, but unfortunatly he refused to speak to reporters. That we can only assume is because he had mouth full of semen which he was saving for later on.

Former Pres and SCC 2006, 07, 09, 10 winner
Mr P Bramwell

Green Keepers of the UK scramble to save Ryder Cup after 'Brain Dead Open'!

The finest Green staff of the the UK have been rounded up today as a nightmare scenario has developed at the Ryder Cup hosts 2010 Celtic Manor resort. SCC 2010 Team Loser Dominic (thank god my 25yard putts off fairway go in) Williams was seen digging it off the 1st tee at the '2010 Course' in the annual Brain Dead Open sponsored by Longridge golf ball retrievers. After shooting 123 with only 18 putts, the greens men have ordered 200 tonnes of divot mix and needed 3 bouncers to remove a Massive C from the bar/ clubhouse. An order of 400 bushes was needed as cataclysmic damage has been caused, mainly on the left side from every tee for 75 yards. The trees on the right of every hole roughly 150 yards off the tee have also taken a huge bashing. After seeing the ball flight of a female from Williams at last weeks SCC 2010, its a huge surprise Celtic Manor Officials did not invite the man of the moment, Team Manchester's Matthew (don't worry Neil, I sorted it) Miller.



A spokesmen from Celtic Manor quoted, "I can not portrait the disappointment the members of the R&A and all golf fans displayed on Saturday afternoon seeing Team Liverpool throw away another SCC. To top it off, we now have to deal with this mess that the Brain Dead Open has left us with. It is a dark moment for the history of Golf."



Can the Ryder Cup be saved with only 2 months to go? We wait to see what the golfing gods may bring...

...excerpt from Retail Weekly - "American Golf Watford branch reports record sales"

Shop Manager Daniel Notquitegoodenoughtobeagolfpro reported a boom in golf ball sales this week, especially of the harder two piece variety favoured by high handicappers. Daniel stated, "I've never seen anything like it, some chap in a red polo shirt came in singing "We are the champions" and proceeded to buy up all our boxes of low to mid range golf balls. It's almost as if he were stocking up after losing a load recently."

Retail Weekly has been unable to locate exactly who this mysterious Red Polo shirted gentleman was as of going to press. If any of our loyal readers can help please contact us.

The Story of SCC 2010

Little help here?

Upon thorough inspection of the rules i can see no mention made of competitors being banned from using caddies (ok nurses) to aid them round the course. With this in mind i thought i'd attach a picture of my massively succesful tee shot on the first tee at last weeks Aardvark Plate match at Whipsnade:

Pete - we've got 'em on the run now mate!

Ladbrokes Announce SCC 2010 Odds

Ladbrokes have decided to release their odds for this years fascinating SCC tournament.

Ladbrokes have gone against the traditional norms of laying out odds on purely the winning team, in an intriguing attempt to stimulate trade in the depths of the recession the follwing bets have been made available:

1. Player with the largest nose as voted by three of the local barmaids in the drinking establishments of Tenby:

• Ben Williams 7 - 4 favourite
• Matt Miller 2 - 1

Any other player can be found at 500 - 1.

2. Player most likely to hit the biggest and best 6 iron of their lives in the 1st round of matches:

• Pet Bumwell 3 - 4 favourite

Any other player can be found at 500 - 1

3. Player to hit the shortest drive off the 1st tee on the 1st morning:

• Matt Miller 5 - 3 favourite
• Pet Bumwell evens
• Mattkinson 3 - 1
• Nick Brooker 4 - 1

4. The most attractive and well dressed team:

• Team Nottingham - refused to take any bets as they are such dead set winners

Any other team can be found at 5,000 - 1

5. Player most likely to throw the first hissy fit on the course:

• Nick Brooker 2-1 favourite
• Si Porter 4-1
• Pet Bumwell 9-2
• Mattkinson 9-2

As an aside, ladbrokes have also laid out odds on the overall winners and they obviously fancy the team that everyone else appears to mock... Team Nottingham have been installed as 1 - 1,000 favourites, with team Liverpool second favourites at 7-3. Team Birmingham have slightly longer odds than expected but with Nick Brooker appearing to be over confident and Ben 'the Jellyfish' Williams out of form, not many would fancy a flutter on them at 9 - 1. No surprises that Team manchester have been installed as ran outsiders, it appears they are expected to go from hero's to zero's within a year. They have been issued with odds of 10,000 - 1 and every member of the public that puts a bet on them receives a free lollipop to incentivise bidding.

Happy betting peeps!!!

Old Folks Outing

The SCC board are currently in a swiftly arranged meeting to discuss the recent photographic evidence that has come to light. An unidentified source has presented photographic evidence exclusively to SCC blogspot which seems to show Simon "i wet the bed" Porter and Matthew "my teeth are my own, well some of them are anyway" Miller in a Tenby drinking establishment.

It's understood that there are claims that their nursing home recently took them on a day trip to the links course - an act which is in direct conflict with SSC rules.

Stay tuned for news...

Tenby is electric on the eve of SCC 2010

The southern welsh community of Tenby are pulling together today for the final preparations of the sporting calendar’s biggest weekend. A local spokesman from the Nick Brooker appreciation society (pictured above), Kerry Evans quoted “ The anticipation is killing us. We can’t wait for ‘Getting Shirty’ to kick things off”. The opening ceremony is always a highlight of the competition, closely followed by Bumwell’s golf ball delivery, Pi Sorter’s drive/hammer slam smash, Seddons characteristic Wang and the Loser’s Breakfast.
As reported, SCC is this year reaching out to the senior tour with the inclusion of Matt ‘the weight is on my shoulders’ Miller but blogspot would like to quash rumours that the annual Friday ‘SCC Poker Event’ will not be changed to ‘SCC bridge night’ for the OAP.

Competitors will be arriving at HQ tomorrow evening after a ARAF! journey of 5 hours. It seems Team Liverpool are taking the SCC very seriously this year with a scheduled stop off at the golden bears new gaff, machyns golf and country club. Mr Captain and his side kick will be relaxing at the spa whilst the rush hour journey cuts into the 3rd, 4th and 5th city’s time before tee off. We wait to see how these travel plans affect the weekends play and look forward to the shouting of Fore! on the 1st tee .

Heres to a weekend of great/average/shit golf and may the stuffiest team win!

SCC TV - Exclusive Team Birmingham Footage

Team Birmingham remain positive that Brooker is making positive strides towards full fitness and has taken some time out of his busy schedule to show SCC TV some of the pre tournament preparations that the stars go through.

Brooker pays ultimate price for victory

Only hours after clinching his 4th Major (Individual) Title and only days away from attempting to secure his 2nd team crown in what would be surely be considered one of the greatest golf seasons ever, Brooker's participation has been thrown into serious doubt.

The main draw for the Tenby event appears to have 'shot his bolt' early amidst rumours of GA seriously affecting his gait. Analysts, when commenting on Brooker's schedule last week had their fears that the heat / Brooker weight / hairy arse combo could threaten his long term health. David Feherty was heard saying "It's going to be bloody hot to be sure and his bum bum will be sweating a treat, this could spell disaster and put him out for weeks, if not the rest of the season".

Team Birmingham have refused to comment but an oxygen chamber has been seen being installed into Team Birmingham HQ surely in an attempt to get the hot property and all round hot guy ready for this massive weekend. In addition SCC Blogspot has also found a massive jar of Vaseline in the bins round the back of Brum HQ which could suggest that the Brummies are remaing positive and preparing for the gruelling 54 holes.....or something else!!

SCC Blogspot will keep you updated on all breaking news in the final hours leading up to SCC 2010

Bumwell in Unsurprising Disqualification!

This weekend, Hale Municipal Golf Club was the scene of a disgraceful piece of behaviour from one its ugliest members. Pet Bumwell (pictured left celebrating his partners victory at last years SCC in a way only he can) was unceremoniously disqualified from the 9 hole pitch and putt medal that was played at HGC.

HGC released the following stateent to SCC.Blogspot.com:

"It is with a heavy heart that we, the committee at one of the best 9 hole golf courses within a 1 mile area of Hale have to confirm that Pet Bumwell has been expelled from membership for the foreseeable future from our undistinguished Golf Club. On Saturday, Bumwell was disqualified for breaking three seperate rules as set out by Roger and Alan (hereby known as R&A.) He claims that the real reason was something to do with an unplayable lie that... blah... blah... blah (who cares, and who can be bothered to listen to the claptrap that comes out of his mouth), however the actual reason is that is just a dirty great cheat who always manages to score much better than he plays especially when he has the scorecard in his hand, he is an alround arse on (and off) the golf course and lets be honest a total bottlejob when it comes to playing under pressure. We are tired of his flagrant disregard of the age old traditions of out wonderful game."

Quite surprisingly there were two members of HGC's staff that have be fighting hard for Bumwell's reinstatement. The head of catering Paul Pukka, told blogspot.com that he has seen an 80% drop in the sales of his meat pies since Bumwell's ban. The Professional also opposed to the decision as his shop had seen a dramatic decline in sales of golf balls.

Bumwell certianly needs to change his ways at Tenby this week if he is to avoid a massive beating (both in the physical and golfing sense.) As the tension rises in anticipation of this years SCC, no doubt competitors will decide to watch Team Manchester very carefully especially in the absence of his honorable gentleman Neil Gayton.

Not much more needs to be said other than a few good old fashioned cliches that team Manchester should take heed off - cheats never prosper, ou are only cheating yourself, it's not over until the fat lady (man!) sings and lastly the poignant of all... if you play golf in green shirts in Tenby on a Friday and Saturday in July you will no doubt become SCC champions.

Big love to all of the milliions of SCC fans that unfortunately will not be able to join us at Tenby this year... keep watching for updated results

Thanking you

SCC Welcomes The News Of Another Deserter

BREAKING NEWS ............. BREAKING NEWS .....................

At a press conference quickly arranged less than 2 hours ago, Peter "Swings
like a legend, putts like a girl" Bramwell approached the microphone.....


"First and foremost, let this be understood that we are very happy to hear
the exciting news from Team Birmingham camp. We all wish Sally well and
that the forthcoming months are stressfree and relaxing, much unlike playing
a round of golf with her husband.

It has come as a shock to the whole SCC community that Team Birmingham
linchpin, Ben "He Shoots, He Scores" Williams is to become a father, which
will undoubtedly be ruling him out from the next few years of SCC
competition.

On the flipside, we are pleased to announce that Nick "I'm here and I'm
Queer" Brooker, is delighted with the prospect of not only becoming an
uncle, but to also lose the deadweight that is Ben Williams.


I have a statement which he wishes me to read to you all...

"As you all know now, Ben will be retiring at the end of this year.
This leaves me with many mixed emotions, most of them whirling around the
idea of just bringing in the new partner now, therefore not drawing out the
inevitable. Ben has held me back over the years, and has been nothing short
of devastating for Team Birmingham. His ears and nose have cast many a
shadow over the team, and I am ready to start a fresh. I have heard that
there is a promising young lad from the blind and deaf school around the
corner, who seems to be playing a more consistant game than Ben at present.

Whatever happens I will be keeping my options open and no doubt I will be
keeping you all fully informed."


I can only agree with Nick that swift action needs to be taken, as it was
done with that former player for Team Manchester who's name escapes me....

We will be keeping you informed on these breaking events in the lead up to
SCC 2010, and you will be notified of any team changes.


I will not be answering any questions as I need to go and take a paternity
test this afternoon.

Thank you for attending"

Pres

Team Liverpool Golf fans rejoice!

With just two weeks to go until SCC 2010, reporters flocked to Chorley Golf Club, Lancahire to watch an intriguing matchplay between Seddon Senior/Team Liverpool's Seddon Junior and the force (formally known) Team Manchester. Bramwell and Guyton's love affair will be sorely missed this year but after such a performance, surely Mr Miller can only improve things. The crowds oooooh'd and ahhhh'd as the ball flight from Bramwell has obviously improved but it's now the simple things that let his game down. Stepping up to the plate as Team Manchester's number one may be a bridge too far come Tenby a fortnight tomorrow, and avoiding the wooden spoon will be object number 1.



A pushed putt on the 2nd and a pull on all the others topped off an irritating round for Team Manc's number 1. There was a small consolation for Bramwell as a par on the (stroke index 2) 4th hole was enough to clinch the hole. Playing his 2nd shot from the 5th fairway (70yards left of target), Bramwell hit a blind 2nd which some how came within 15ft but a solid lag never threatened the hole for a birdie three.



The sheer power of Liverpool's Seddon and the accuracy of Senior, soon wore down the reigning champions and a run of Par, Birdie, Birdie, Par including a stunning 5 iron from under a tree on the Par 5 14th from Seddon Junior finished the match 4 & 3. Minus some early tee shots, Liverpool's number 1's game is coming together just in time. "Let's just hope the putter stays hot, I'm putting like God!" harked Seds.



On Friday a group of SCC regulars will be teeing it up in Nottingham for the annual 'Another Marital Status soon to be crippled Open'. This event is another last ditch preparation for the individuals involved as they try to avoid the SCC wooden spoon title and give grandad Miller a dust down. We wait in anticipation for reports on this event and SCC blogspot is the only place to keep you up to date with the latest breaking news, odds and betting.



Regards,



Captain Cappello's understudy.

Don Fabio... Bramwell makes "big mistake"

We caught up with Don Capello after he'd had another couple of beers with the England lads....

Naturalmente siamo relativi, imbecile!

(Of course we are related, imbecile!)

E sono un grande ventilatore dello Second City Challenge, come I' m. sure che conoscete

(And I am a big fan of the SCC, as I'm sure you know.)

Infatti, ora penso esso... It' s evidente siamo relativi.

(In fact, now I think of it... It's obvious we are related. )

Sono un genio di sport.

(I am a sporting genius.)

Matkinson è un genio di sport.

(Matkinson is a sporting genius.)

Ha più talento in suo mignolo che voi tipi avere nel vostro intero gioco.

(He has more talent in his little finger than you guys have in your entire game.)

La sua oscillazione è più dolce dei la maggior parte tiramisu sublime.

(His swing is sweeter than the most sublime tiramisu.)

Scompigliate con Matkinson.

(You mess with Matkinson.)

Scompigliate con me.

(You mess with me.)





Congratulazioni Ben, a proposito

(Congratulations Ben, by the way.)

Gmac dedicates mickey mouse Open to SCC psyche!

Team Liverpool heartthrob Chris (just jump off dom) Seddon had a rude awakening this morning from none other than the new US Open champion, Graeme Mcdowell. Mcdowell has been taking advice from the Liverpool psychological mastermind. Seddon stated, “Its true, Gmac called before teeing it up for his final round. He wanted to know how to get into his playing partners head, Dustin Johnson who had a three shot lead. We discussed a few comments and riddles that would suit his cheeky Irish tones and worked on the timing of these.” Mcdowell commented in his championship press conference, “ I couldn’t of grinded down the young American without the help of my SCC idol. We referred to well known ‘Bumwell 2009 Pennard blow up’ where Neil (shit, little Ted came early and I’m aloud to play now) Gayton scored the round of his life to claim the SCC Goblets! After a few needles to Johnson he was in tatters and was shitting shots to score a remarkable 82. Now that’s what I call a bottle job you American wanker!” Graeme followed on to mention that he is looking forward to viewing the SCC 2010 and hopes Team Liverpool can seal the deal at Seddon’s third time of asking. “I will be taking part in the final preparation round with team Liverpool at Royal Porthcawl GC on Thursday 8th July and use it as vital training for the ‘proper’ Open at St Andrews later that month”.
With less than three weeks to go until the most anticipated Golf tournament in the world, Tenby’s preparations are in full swing, with the grandstands and barriers being erected by the day. Lets just hope the porn selection is up to scratch. Over and Out!

DNA Test Required?

As Capello struggles over his team selection for tonight's match against Algeria, another prominent story is lurking in the murky shadows.

They have never been seen in the same room, but now they are going to have to answer to the media face to face.

Are Matkinson and Capello the same person?
Is Capello one of Matkinsons love children, or are they brothers?

Questions which are hard to answer, but not hard to believe.

I for one back our SCC Captain and the utter bullshit that usually comes out of his mouth, but this time I will be listening with intent with what he has to say.

Over to you Captain.


President and Honorable Person.

SECOND CITY SCANDAL!

Team Liverpool and Birmingham members unveil shock new underhand tactics in a blatant effort to destabilise Team Manchesters better looking half:

HORROR! Coercing an innocent little girl to get her sticky chocolate fingers all over Matt Millers 6 Iron.

SHOCK! Provoke a sweet young child to swing wildly at innocent stuffed toy 'Bob the Cat'.

HAPPY ENDING! All in attendance agreed that Bethany's swing was far more likely to last under pressure than Team Nottinghams homosexual-even-though-recently-married half.

Team Manchester Reshuffle sees Bramwell out of SCC

It is rumoured that Neil "he's the daddy" Gayton is planning to replace Peter Bumwell in the Manchester pairing - with a baby!

It is understood that Neil believes that the little boy, whose name is not currently known, is likely to offer Manchester a more consistent level of performance than Bottle-It Bumwell has done at recent tournaments.

Welcome to the world little guy - hope to see you on the SCC sometime soon!

First Foreign Post

Ben "i don't always play to 8" Williams today posted the first blog in SCC history from foreign soil. And in a double swoop for the Birmingham linch-pin, he also becomes the first SCC blooger to post from outside of Europe.

Check out the neocounter - Vietnam baby!!! Phew, it's might hot out here!


Miss you long time.