Bumwell Pays Ultimate Price for Thursday No Show

Pet Bumwell (long term admirer of S Club Juniors) has been sensationally ditched on the eve of SCC 2009. When quizzed by National Press, the SCC commission cited Bumwell's omission from the Thursday festivities at Celtic Manor as the main (but not the only reason) for their non-controversial decision.

In his place, after rigorous interviews, Bumwell's position has been filled by long term SCC wannabe Mike I'm rogueishly good looking' Nowland. It was felt the Nowland would add a certain 'jeu ne se quoi' to the tournament and is vital to the future marketing of the tournament to the Asian Market with his recent topless shoot out in Beijing. Nowland is seen as a vital marketing commodity for the SCC, in hard economic times, it is important that the SCC look to the future of the competition and they felt that Bumwell's participation would be detrimental to future growth.

Nowland (pictured) had this to say:

"I just want to play golf and music, I'll be aiming to play a few tunes out on the course. I would like to thank Pet Bumwell for being a big gay which has given me this opportunity to take part in such an amazing event. I only hope that I can live up to the high standards that have been set over recent years."

When it was pointed out to Nowland that Bumwell is actually only slightly less than average on the course and has a history of losing more balls than Pi Sorter, Nowland quaffed that surely no-one could lower the standard to that level.

Neil Gayton was particularly pleased with this recent revelation, Gayton was heard saying:

"Bumwell has become a liability and really was the only reason that Team Manchester didn't win last year. He has been holding me back for a while now and I am delighted to be teamed with Mike, even though he will no doubt make me look even worse than I normally do I am happy that that useless, drop out let down massive C Bumwell won't be anywhere near me this weekend."

Who Ate All The Pies?

A question normally asked of myself, but it brings me with great please to ask none-other then our very own Mr. Captain.

Where indeed did al those pies go?

I hope you have a lovely round tomorrow.

Pres

Environmentally Friendly President?

Taken earlier today, this photograph confirms that current SCC President, Peter "where's me balls" Bumwell, has actually turned green with envy.

Having been told in no uncertain terms by the new Mrs Bumwell that the joint account can not fund the purchase of enough golf balls to all him to play another round, Peter is having to work whilst the other members tune their games in the stunning surroundings of Celtic Manor.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha etc.

The Roman Road Roams No More

WS .... BREAKING NEWS .... BREAKING NE

[ Here follows an official statement from Celtic Manor Resort & Spa]

"It bring me great sadness to announce that the Celtic Manor Resort & Spa will not be able to host this years SCC '09 warm-up competition. We have been racking our brains o try and find a way to replace the much missed Peter "Extra Length and Accuracy Is My Middle Name" Bumwell, but to no avail. There is no other option but to shut down and dig up the course in his memory. There wouldn't be a proper competition if "he" couldn't make it, and also how would the pro-shop survive? They were banking on at least 2 boxes of balls being bought before the round, then one halfway through.

If only there was another option? But there isn't. I know this will be a great disappointment to those members of the SCC who were going to make a long journey down on Thursday morning, but can I just say to them don't. Don't even think about it, the course isn't here any more, we have removed it, and it will be raining anyway. It wasn't even a good course anyway, so just stay at home.

Yours in Sadness

Johnny "Big" Balls

Director General CMR&S 2009"

WOW .... I'm speechless, but a good move by Celtic Manor nonetheless.

Pres "I Hope It Thunders'N'Lightenings On Thursday Morning You Massive Bunch Of C's" Bumwell

Ryder Cup Venue Wins rights to host SCC Exhibition 2009

Given the increasing profile of the SCC events, the committee have come under increasing pressure to ‘take it to the masses’. There have been calls for the competition to be expanded from 4 to 6 teams, a suggestion that has been shot down in flames. As a compromise the committee have agreed to an exhibition event the day before the 2009 edition kicks off when Team Birmingham begin their defence at 9.30am at Pennard GC.

The exhibition / warm up event is taking place at Celtic Manor, South Wales at 9.40am (for those wishing to view the event tickets can be purchased at http://www.thisgolfisawesomeandineedtowatchit.com/). Celtic Manor are in need of a major golfing event and whilst they recognise they will never be eligible to host the event proper due to not being a links course this is considered a great win by the venue. The upcoming Ryder Cup has failed to excite the golf viewing public due the lack of big names and it is thought that having the Williams sisters (taking a break from Wimbledon), Neil I haven’t got a back (or a partner), Matthew (who are these people that I see once a year, sometimes twice!) will really pull the crowds.

The star studded line up is not complete however, the biggest draw of all Pimon Sorter is yet to confirm his availability. He is in the process of securing 3 year sponsorship deal from IBM for the SCC, which would allow the superstars to take the event global.

Peter Bumwell is the only person confirmed to be gaying out of the event and I’m sure I speak for all the competitors when I say he will be sorely missed!!!!!!! Celtic Manor are said to be delighted though as there were fears that Bumwell's participation would ‘dilute the quality of golf on display’.

The Welsh Get Their Fingers Out

It has been pleasure to see that not only the SCC '09 members are excited about their up coming tournament in 9 days time. It seems that those crazy Welsh folk are also in the SCC spirit!!

Also in other news, Team Manchesters' better looking half has managed to find more length than he thought he had. In a controversial move he has shyed away from the £3 a ball Pro V1's to a more 'economical' Srixon for this years tournament.

In a recent interview he said, "I know that last years ball count was quite extreme. Was it the Pimms? Or was it the extra power that i just couldn't control? I would have to say probably both, but this year i am much happy with my longer balls, and i also now have a harder shaft to control the length."

Coupled with the fact that he is married to his SCC's partners sister, this certainly raised a few eyebrows. But Neil was more than understanding as Peter "Woods" Bumwell explained that he was merely talking about his penis.

9 Days Baby!

Pres "Get Down On Your Knees And Beg" Bumwell

Hot-hot!

Team Birmingham have selected curry as the theme for this years evening meal of champions. "Chutneys” of Mumbles will be hosting the event which, unlike a similar event at the US Masters, will most definately not be paid for by the champions.

The players are expected at 9pm on Friday 26th for customary popadoms and dips, followed by a selection of the regions finest curries and vast quantities of Tiger beer.

Following this announcement, precautions have already been discussed at Woodville Road where the players will be staying for the duration of the tournament. Bog rolls will be kept in the freezer and there will be a wipe-clean floor surface installed in the hall and corridors to prevent a reoccurrence of the outrange that occurred in Newcastle.

http://www.mumbles.co.uk/Restaurants/showRestaurant.php?rID=3000019

Team Liverpool's 'Special' player!

For the past year, the SCC committe have denied all reports linking Team Liverpool's music man Chris 'Im playing off 5 at Pennard' Seddon with mental health difficulties, rubbishing the rumours as paparazzi propaganda, however recent pictures of the Bolton Trumpeter have made the SCC committee come out and comfirm that Chris Seddon does suffer from mentalism (I think that is the most PC phrase these days.) The disease apparently affects a person's accent making them sound northern along with increasing the tendency to talk complete garbage (see comment on report below about the request to play of 7 - what a joke!) Seddon is forced to take a series of medication to help him fight mentalism, full details of the drugs will no doubt be of serious scrutiny by the SCC committee.

Seddon has spoken out in a recent press conference, here is what he had to say:

"durrhhhhhhhh, I be special and wishing i am hitting that there ball of golf as well as that really good looking bloke from Nottinghamshiretownville, you know the younger yellow haired tanned one. Where my pills, where my pills burgghhhhhhhh."

This was followed with him talking gibberish about Bolton being a strong Premiership team,at this point it was clear he was completely barking mad and the local psychologist ordered for Seddon to be sedated with Ketamine (which coindently was found in Nick Brookers failed druf test after his disqualification from SCC 08 along with various other substances.)

It remains to be seen as to whether Seddon will be ok to play at Pennard, however the SCC committee appear keen for his inclusion as it helps to demonstrate their stance on the competition being non discriminatory - in the past they have used Ben 'simple' Williams for their quota of minority backgrounds, however it now appears that they have a more genuine case in Seddon.

As preparation for SCC 09 heats up and with reports of Team Nottingham's extremely experienced (polite term for old) member Pimon Sorter loosing a riduclous amount of golf balls when playing only 11 holes at the very hard track at Royal Rushcliffe, it has been revealed that he has been going to see a mystery friend / therapist who has a track record of loosing hundreds of balls in the past. Pimon Sorter told blogspot.com that his therapist has really helped him, when quizzed about who this person was, Sorter remained philosophical and would not give a name, however he said that his therapist was a fine upstanding posh Northerner who once lost 14 balls in one round - say no more! Sorter has also been for a couple of lessons which has helped instil new confidence in his swing and it is pleasing to hear that the Donnay Slammer has been finally ditched!

Team Nottingham may be labelled as rank outsiders for 09 but they are still the olny side who could have won the last two SCC's on the last holes of each which is more than can be said of the blue Brum Scum!!

The atrocity of it all .....

Hello

Good Day

Following a press release from Mr Chris "I Like To Blow On My Own ... (Trumpet)" Seddon, anguish has spread through the SCC '09 team members. It was believed that the SCC committee had been fair in awarding Mr Seddon with a generous 7 shots for this years tournaments, only to see that generosity being jizzed back in their faces.

It is believed that Mr Seddon has being playing (at worst) to 6 shots in recent rounds and that the particularly difficult par 67 Royal St Whore-Itch has been "torn-another-one"!

I know it is not for me to say, but I will, that we should pass a motion for Mr Seddon to be cut by 2 to 5 shots for 'general play'.

Any other suggestions would be greatly appreciated, and no Nick he wont do THAT! I mean golf suggestions.

On another note may I congratulate Mrs Nick "No Sex" Brooker on his hole-in-one whilst playing Gramacho. And may I be the first to say to Nick, "Any Hole's A Goal!" so congratulations. Do this mean that you have had sex, in some absurd golf/fettish/ism?

Until 13 days time (and Sed's - Saturday, Mr Captain - Next week) see you all soon!

Happy Whacking

Mr Peter "Length Is My Middle Name" Bumwell (President '09)

Seddon Fires a personal record!

After battling hard with his game it seems the Team Liverpool Dynamo and Musician to the stars has final cracked it! After playing the world renowned 9 hole Royal Horwich Golf Club, Lancashire....(Bolton), Seddon was in high spirits on the 9th/18th hole as he had broken 80 for the first time this season. The born again scouser fired a shattering 76 which was only 9 over par. A fine effort all Sed and done but hopes of him playing to his designated 7 Handicap for this years SCC Pennard adventure are still in the balance.
On other SCC news, the rumour is that Bumwell, of team womanchester has started to get to the 'bottling stage' already whilst his team mate Neil Hunt is changing his swing once again from strict orders from Sue Hunt, an avid Team Liverpool supporter. All looks well at Team Nottingham as Big Nose's Brother and grandad Sorter have managed to hit the ball for the first time this season........Breaking news......Nick Brooker (Team Birmingham) is still struggling to locate his penis. After a "hole in one" whilst on golf camp in the algarve, Brooker managed to thin a rescue club for an eagle and went to locate his little friend to celebrate only to find his penis was in his Wife's room, (Mr M Nowland) begging on advice how to find a fanny!

A short press release will be made in the next few days on this years new competition, The SCC 2009 Poker Tournament. On which evening this will be held is still to be discussed.

Nottingham Odds Lengthen

Well known Second City Challenge FWAG (Fiancés, Wives And Girlfriends) Eleanor Ward has been overheard discussing the preparations of Team Nottingham for SCC2009. Ward, who first became known to fans of the competition following her week-long photo diary for the Daily Star newspaper during the build-up to last years competition, was captured whilst lunching with fellow FWAG Claire Smith in a trendy Nottingham bar.

The main topic of discussion between the infamous pair, who managed to finish four bottles of white wine in their lunch hour, revolved around a recent practice game between the Nottingham pairing. Ward seemed close to tears as she spilled all to her friend Smith. It appears that during the “behind closed doors” match between Dominic Williams and Pimon Sorter, Sorter managed to loose 15 balls in 11 holes. At an average of 1.36 balls per hole, on that form Porter will need 74 balls for the pending SCC2009!

We tried to contact Mr Sorter to confirm this, but he has so far been unavailable for comment. He was captured (below) arriving at Rushcliffe golf course for another round, presumably aiming to make it to the 12th on this occasion!