The best of the SCC 2011

To be read aloud in classic American golf broadcasting voiceover voice:

With the days getting dark and the weather cold, and as the end of 2011 draws nigh, CBS Sports, in association with Nevada Bobs and local sponsors, brings you the very best moments of the SCC 2011…

They came in their thousands.

There were legends to be made.

Heroes. Dreams.

Massive Cs.

The wind whistled across the cliffs of Nefyn.

For some competitors, it was all a bit too much:

So which were the best shots played? The shots we’ll remember forever. The ones to tell the grandchildren about.

The following six have been unscientifically selected by the CBS panel.

6. At number six is Nick Brooker’s three-wood approach vs Liverpool to the par 5 fourth. Nick and Seds had both put their tee shots miles left, safely avoiding the cliffs on the right. Ben and Matt had taken a more aggressive line and were busy hacking their way up the middle/in the sea. Nick then delivered a blistering three-wood approach shot to set up a putt for eagle. Seds also played an excellent approach, again with a three-wood, but we’ll give most credit here to Nick’s superb shot.

5. At number five is Seds’ tee shot vs Nottingham at the 18th. This was hit just to the right of the green, which Seds nearly carried, before smacking into the clubhouse and rebounding towards the first tee. A number of confused members' heads appeared briefly at the window.

4. At number four is Si Porter’s tee shot vs Manchester at the par 3 fourteenth. Si, with two shots on this hole vs Manchester, hit a lovely lofted tee shot to five feet, then, to everyone’s delight, holed the putt.

3. At three is Pete Bramwell’s putt for birdie against Nottingham on the 18th. Pete had set things up nicely with a drive just short of the green. Dom having then failed to concede the short putt, Pete promptly missed it, to the delight of the assembled galleries. Bad luck!

2. At number two (some might say it should be number one) is Neil’s perfect tee shot to the 18th against Nottingham. Neil’s shot was well judged and hit the bank at the front of the green, skipping up and slowing down to arrive five feet from the hole, setting up an easy eagle putt.

1. And at number one is... wait for it...

Seds’ brilliantly judged tee shot on the 13th vs Birmingham.

The Nefyn website reads:

“Spectacular risk and reward par four – the risk, attempting a 200 yard carry over the bay, the reward, a short pitch to a green set between two rocky outcrops. For the faint-hearted, bail out right leaving a medium to long iron second.”

Seds ignored all of that.

His daring style was to use a spot half way down the cliffs to bring his ball back into play:

Amazing! Birmingham were not completely chuffed with this turn of events.
As Matkinson explained to help calm Nick down: “you’ve got to take the rough with the smooth”.

Very, very smooth. Heroes.

[It may be that there are other shots I can’t remember/didn’t see that also deserve mention in the above. Particularly by Ben/Dom?! Feel free to comment!]

Posthumously, humorously, 2011.

It has been nearly a couple of weeks now, and no reports since SCC 2011 was dramatically won again by Team Manchester. It was a fraught weekend where this yeas underdogs, Team Nottingham, managed to fight (amazingly) for the SCC Cup in an incredible battle against Team Manchester. In the end the most attractive team won, but only by a bum hair's whisker on the 17th hole when the heavens opened, and the angels smiled on Team Manchester.

Team Manchester stalwart and 5 time winner had this to say:

"Well what can I say that hasn't been said already. It was a tough final round and it's a shame that the trophy couldn't be shared between teams. But as it goes, im glad that the prettier team won. Yes, Dom has the balls and the looks, Si has the smile and the swing, but unfortunately in golf sometimes it just comes down to golfing ability which i was pleased to showcase on the 18th green!"

We are waiting to hear from this years wooden spoon winners and from the new incoming member (and previous SCC winner) Matt "Who's your Grandaddy" Miller on next years events, but as is with the SCC blog, we probably wont be hearing much for at least the next 10 months.

So until April 2012, adieu x

Croeso at Porthmadog, Tim Anian

Speculation mounted tonight that Team Liverpool are attempting to engratiate themselves yet further with North Walers by staging one of their famous warm up rounds tomorrow (Thursday).

The above banner, "Welcome to Porthmadog, Team Genius" was spotted at yesterday's SCC Opening Ceremony (see story below).

If true, Porthmadog would join such prestigious courses as Machynys Peninsula GC, which last year reported a surge in bookings after Matkinson played his best golf of the weekend, hammering his teammate over 18 immediately prior to last year's SCC.


In other news, Matkinson remains tight-lipped as to his ball sponsorship deal for this year's event.

He would say as follows, however: "It's all about finding a ball which the others won't laugh at too much, but at the same time not spending too much money because, let's face it, Nefyn is quite close to the sea."

"In short, it's all about...professional distance."

Expectation rises as crowds gather.

With only one more sleep before the teams meet in the coastal town of Abersoch, local residents last night celebrated with the annual SCC opening ceremony.

Covered by the SCC's official sponser, Today's Golfer, we can clearly see the excitement of those who attended. Although it was only a relatively small affair due to the current economic climate and also due to the key missing element of Team Manchester, Matt 'I'll be back' Miller, the 400,000 strong crowd managed to party the night away.

Local ruffian and leek lover, Glynn Gfflyyywwnt said, "I can't believe that we are only one night away from the arrival of the SCC lads. I have been tugging myself around the house with excitement for more that a week now, i can't belive that the day is nearly here."

With the local bars now cleared out of all booze from last nights little shin-dig, it will certainly have to be a quick replenishment operation before the offical draw for tee times on Thursday night. The quick thinking captain for SCC 2011, Nick 'Homo' Brooker has been praised for his quick thinking in ordering in plenty of booze to keep the competitors well watered during Thursday evening.

In other news, Seddon, your a 'C'.

Until tomorrow, i wish you all well and a safe journey. ARAF!

SCC 2011 chiefs confirm Tournament to go ahead

The golfing world was rocked on Saturday to here the tragic news of Seve Ballesteros. The golfing legend lost his three year battle with brain cancer and will be sorely missed. SCC officials had long debates on the 2011 competition and the international committee have finally decided the tournament to proceed. This comes with huge relief to the golfing world and the event will be seen as a fitting tribute to a true legend of the game.



One SCC team in particular had special ties with the Spanish matador. Team (wooden spoon) Nottingham have had a number of coaching sessions from Mr Ballesteros over the years as they valued his recovery shots after driving into the 'severe shit' of the links terrain. Team Nottingham star Simon Porter has been working on a specific shot to add to his armoury for this years 54 hole battle. (This shot can be viewed below by clicking on the link) Mr Porter (62) is looking for ways to bring his 36 handicap into play by the time the games reach each putting surface and has found that Seve was just the man. The green team may not hold any green jackets but are hoping for a good run this year and being in the mix come SCC Saturday following a hearty breakfast.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g5JfA1D1pkc

With only three sleeps to go until the trip to the Welsh coast, preparations are hotting up for the opening ceremony. The worlds broadcasting channels are arriving today following the scoreboards and spectator stands erection. I think we can all agree, its gives us a twitch of the pants just to think of it all.



Over and Out

Match Fixing Scandal continued...

Dom 'swinging like a true 28 handicapper' Williams remains tight lipped over recent match fixing allegations following their recent odds drop to lose all three games at this years SCC, he made no real comment about the allegations in a recent interview with Razzle where he was quoted as saying:

"I will not be commenting on the recent allegations that Team Nottingham will throw matches at this years SCC, however I will say that we are starting to take breakfast orders for SCC 2012!"

The statement above does nothing to confirm or deny the allegations, however it is likely that his throw away comment was meant in jest!

Match Fixing Scandal, Latest News.....

BREAKING NEWS >>>>>>> BREAKING NEWS >>>>>>>>

Report by Team Manchesters' rock, Peter 'Legend' Bramwell.

I'm live here outside SCC headquarters in the beautiful City of Manchester, home to the winning team of the SCC for 4 out of the 5 past years.

We have heard this morning of the scandalous news that one of this years teams has been accused of potential match fixing. We must stress that at this moment there is no hard evidence to back up the allegations, but it is very hard to deny when you look deeper into this teams history and also their preparations for this years event.

Team Nottingham's odds on william hill, the SCC's betting agent of choice, dropped dramatically last night from 6-5 to evens on the back of speculation that they may be the first team to lose all three of their SCC matches in one tournament. Of course at first most people thought this was just the bookies playing safe, but it has come to light that this apparent poor run of form is just a myth.

Since the court approved super-injunction was lifted on Team Nottingham's stalwart Simon 'SIMON' Sporter and Team Nottinghams lesser Williams, Dom 'Huge C' Williams, SCC have been given access to Mr Sporter's and Mr William's golf lesson register. It appears that huge amounts of money have been donated from an unknown company listed at IBM. Who this company is and what they do, cannot be found, but it appears that they have the funds to pay for the £300,000 spent on lessons, Top Flite balls and Donnay Slammers. Incredibly out of the 240 hours of lessons paid for by IBM, Mr Sporter was listed as the intended recipient of 180 hours of them and only attend 20, whilst Mr Williams was awarded the remaining 60 hours but only received 20 minutes.

This is the shocking news which has rocked the golfing world, and the only question which is remaining to be answered is did they not attend the lessons to lose on purpose?! We hope to hear from this years SCC captain Nick 'Massive Baby' Brooker any time soon, and im sure that Nottingham themselves will soon release a press statement. We believe that this will be from Mr Williams, as nobody can locate Mr Sporter as it is not SCC weekend yet.




On to other matters and Team Manchester, again won the pre-SCC friendly match against Luke Donald and his chubby partner Lee Westwood 5 and 4 at Royal Hale on Thursday night. Luke was humble in his interview after the event,

"What can I say, the course was in great condition, as always, and we really struggled on the back nine. You have to be completely focused for those tricky tee positions and our minds were in another world after watching Guytons high fade, we could barely contain ourselves. But Bramwell certainly was the back bone of the team, after beating Westy on the 1st in the pie eating comp, he managed a solid round of 70 to secure a deserved win. Again we will be putting our money on team Manchester in this years SCC as they seem to be the only team with the length and the girth to take it to the final green on Saturday. Oh by the way, if you see that C Seddon, tell him that he is a spawny git and he should be definitely off 6, 7 my arse."

Team Birmingham Also Taking New Approach

With so many teams in this years SCC taking a new approach, Team Birmingham have also decided to come public by giving an insight into the approach that will hopefully lead to ultimate glory and see them crowned as Champion City 2011.

Drastic approaches such as Team Liverpool's Seddon actually acknowledging a handicap decrease for once, Team Nottingham's Williams deciding some months ago that a straight, longer ball was not suitable to cliff lined fairways of Nefyn GC and Team Manchesters Guyton actually retiring from all forms of golf apart from this one event, his first game of golf in nearly 2 years.

On to Birmingham's approach.....

Following a second year of disapointment, Brooker and Williams enlisted the services of some of the fittest minds at Birmingham City University (couldn't afford actual Birmigham Uni) to look into the contributing factors that have lead to the lack of success. The outcome was as follows:

1. The lack of chipping ability from a 'so-called' scratch golfer

2. Williams being such a sick note

3. Manchester being such spawny gits

4. Altitude

The first 3 are beleived to ever presents that need to accepted, and learnt to be dealt with, the fourth however was addressable (is that a word?).
The SCC is always played at sea level, where the quality of air is superb and packed full of oxygen. Team Birmingham play a majority of their golf in the highest city in the country and therefore the main reason for our lack of success is that all the oxygen at sea level goes to their heads at crucial moments.

To try and acclimatise to the conditions that will be found at this years SCC the 2 players are taking quite different approaches. Brooker is spending a large amount of time along a different stretch of the Welsh coast and is currently believed to somewhere near Haverfordwest in a shitty B&B. Williams, unable to uproot his family to the coast has decided to go against the orders of experts and further dilute the quality of his oxygen by burying his rather huge nose in some of shittiest nappies ever seen (an assumption based on the fact that a Williams is producing the shit!)

We now know the reasons why, in less than 2 weeks we will know if the approach has worked!

Seddon shoots society Record forcing SCC betting markets to Rock!!!!

Team Liverpool's (No2) starlet yesterday smashed the record books of the Crown Jewels golf society by taking the weekly winnings (£53) with a sterling performance. The steady 8.3 handicapper had "just one of those days". In a statement 'Massive C' Seddon claims, "I'm devastated... I was two bad knocks from playing off 9 for this years competition and I go and do a thing like this!" Massive C shot a huge 43 points in a one over par round of golf that bodes well for Team Liverpool followers (captured in picture below).




What is probably the tightest and highest golf course on the Crown Jewels society circuit, Seddon guided his ball masterfully round Goring and Streatley Golf Course of which was the young mans debut appearance. Seddon stated, " The course was just set up for me today. Its tight, long, fast and you have to be on top of your short game. You need to have draws & fades in the locker and make plenty of birdies. I hear its the total opposite to Hale Municipal GC. I feel like I left a few shots out there today. I just hope I haven't peaked too soon before the big weekend!"


Seddon's new handicap of 7 will take some playing to after the changes made to his swing over the winter months, but the new look Team Liverpool will surely be in the mix come SCC Saturday afternoon. "I know we have the support (another reminder of the good luck gesture passed on from W&C at that wedding last Friday), its just a matter of my partner and I turning up and doing what we do.... winding up Bumwell until he kicks off with even more local bouncers!"

Team Liverpool preparation “spot on, as usual”

SCC crowd favourites and perennial nearly men Team Liverpool have been taking a relaxed approach to preparing for this year’s big event at Nefyn GC.

Ian Woosnam OBE, former Masters champion and captain of the SCC commentary team, commented to SCCblogspot:

“It may be a bit unorthodox, but I think they’ve got it spot on, as usual.

I mean, why play more golf than you actually need to?”

Matkinson has stepped up his preparation in recent weeks by promoting his new “SCC diet”, in conjunction with various fast food joints on Holloway Road in north London.

“I’m a particular favourite of The Colonel, obviously.” Matkinson explained. “Although I also like the Keema Kebab, Pizza, Chicken, Fish, Chips, Sandwich and Salad House. It’s all about building a solid base for a solid swing.”

We can also report that Matkinson thought his birthday golf lesson a qualified success:

“He [the Hanbury Manor GC pro] looked at several aspects of my game. And he recommended quite a few changes to almost every aspect, to be honest. He also thought I had, I quote, ‘next to no chance’ of keeping a ball in play round Nefyn, which I think was a tad harsh.”

Taken a bit aback by this feedback, Matkinson has since limited his preparation to a little relaxed crazy golf with his girlfriend:

“I particularly wanted to work on my putting after last year’s debacle. Obviously a little crazy golf might help. Plus it’s good practise in case I’m ever asked to play Royal Hale.”

Chris Seddon, or “Seds” as he is affectionately known, has also been carbing up a bit in preparation for the SCC:



But he has largely been focusing on the mental aspects of his game.

“I’m just trying to block out a few things which might make me angry or upset”, Seds explained.

It’s to be hoped, then, that no-one mentions that semi-final at any stage during the weekend in Nefyn.

When asked by SCCblogspot about his recent Wembley experience, Seds flew into a rage and refused to talk any further to us, muttering bitterly “why didn’t he play Matty Taylor from the start, what was he thinking?”

Top Memories of SCC History – part v

It has obviously been a while trying to find the final of the top five moments of SCC history, and last night an absolute pearler was remembered. The thoughts came back whilst Peter 'Definitely going to be carrying Neil' Bramwell was giving Neil 'Oh My God, another high fade' Guyton an absolute drubbing.

The memories wont be there for most members of the SCC so I will try and recapture the moment for you in as much detail as possible… (from my perspective)

The waves crash in, a seagull swoops low over head, Ben lets out a massive fart echoing around Nefyn GC car park. That was the setting for what was to be the beginning of the greatest golf competition the world had ever known, the 'Second City Challenge'. I had obviously met Nick and Neil a few times but this was only the second time I had really met Ben, and I was a bit concerned about his golfing prowess as Nick had described him as fairly new to the game and a little bit wank.

The first tee is a majestic view out into the ocean and is surrounded by the starters hut and a full patio of eager golfers. We all get away solidly (we could tell Ben was slightly nervous due to the brown stain slowly seeping through his new golf shorts) and the first hole is completed with no real bother, although Nick was messing about with his bag something chronic muttering 'where the here did I put all of those toys?'.

On the second tee however, all was about to change. Team manchester step up to the plate and Bramwell smashes one majestically down the middle about 290 yards, Neil wangs one out into the Atlantic, narrowly missing the Isle of Man and Nick streaks one about a foot off the ground for no more than 120 yards. Then big bollocks Ben comes up, two,maybe three, solid practise swings. Approaches the ball. Shoulders shift back and a long slow piercing stare down the fairway soon follows. Head down. Clean take away. Great turn. Huge swing, massive in fact, only to find that his brand new top flite ladies number 4 ball still sitting perched on top of the tee.

He eventually manages to knob it away, and Neil, Ben and myself head off on the thirty yard walk to Bens ball, when we turn around to find what can only be described as an exploding 'Toys 'R' Us' behind us. Nick's bag strap had broken on the second tee of a long weekend of golf, and it couldn't have happened to a more cool, calm and collected man!

What memories, never to be replicated only to be bettered in this years SCC 2011.

Ps, I would suggested a quick email to Ben and Nick to ask them what happened on the final green to win SCC 2006!

PB

Dom Williams puts the record straight

Dom Williams (Team Nottingham's pin up) has contacted SCCblogspot.com to put the record straight as he appears to have been massively misquoted by a massive C (Bumwell!) in a recent post on this usually revered site. Williams Junior, who is currently out in the Carribean performing a photo shoot for GQ Magazine put out the following statement to put the record straight about his forthcoming appearance at Hale GC:

"Well, it goes without saying that apart from SCC, I dont tend to play with many golfers with special needs, therefore playing at Hale GC is the one of the more community based highlights of my golfing calendar. The rough pin positions are a challenge for any good gofer, and although I have heard some people talk down the course for being only 9 holes, I myself believe that the slighlty different tee positions on the back 9 make this an 18 hole course to be reckoned with... especially for their numerous 'special' members. Hale you have done yourself proud in your work in supporting the local community by allowing access to all and I look forward to fattening myself up in the bar after I have played with Bumwell on Friday"

Williams Junior is now only 1 medal away from becoming a 15 handicapper and he admits that times have been hard of late on the golf course after his first ever lesson which has lead to a Toger Woods style new swing. Williams has lost some of his notorious distamce of the tee, however he insists he is in it for the long game, and although he admits his performance at SCC 2011 may suffer, he is focussing on his main target of playing off 16 by the end if the summer. He was quick to point out that even though his golf isn't going well, at least his missus didn't buy him golf lessons for his birthday as she heard that he could do with all the help he could get and she wanted him out of the house a bit more... hey Matkinson?!

Over and out!

Team Manchester enter the final stages

It has been a gruelling winter's training for Team Manchester this year, with Neil 'Massive High Fade' Guyton (43) working relentlessly to achieve a commendable promotion with his local ladies hockey team and Peter 'Steady as a Rock' Bramwell (28) working tirelessly to bring down his handicap. As we can see below, the training for this years SCC 'The Times They Are A Changing' 2011 tournament has been so arduous that Mr Guyton has only time to hang Edward 'Lower Handicap than Si Porter' Guyton out to dry, rather than towel him down.





This years favourites will be meeting up tonight for the annual pre-SCC "Who should play out of their skin and carry the other team-mate" match. With Peters recent form (shot a 79 with a quadruple bogey to come down from 13.0 to 12.2) in Medal 1, it is no surprise that he is this years bookies favourite at 2/1. Whilst there is no surprise that Nick 'Still Gay' Brooker is again odd's on favourite to abandon all toys on the first tee at a huge 1/14.

Following tonights Team Manchester meeting, there with be a 'Clash of the Titan's' on Friday 29th at 9.30am, hosted by Royal Hale GC. This year see's the leading team players from each of the SCC teams meeting for what is expected to be a huge crowd puller. This year unfortunately no team member from Team Liverpool could be present (due to a lack of invitation) so a representational appearance for Matkinson will take place in the form of Mrs E Williams (34). Mrs Williams current husband and all round gay Dom 'C' Williams (39 1/2) gave a quick interview this week before Fridays big event, "Well, it goes without saying that apart from SCC, playing Royal Hale GC is the highlight of my golfing calendar. The tough pin positions are a challenge for any good golfer, and although I have heard some people talk down the course for being only 9 holes, I myself believe that the completely and utterly different tee positions on the back 9 make this definitely an 18 hole course to be reckoned with. Hale you have done yourself proud and I look forward to fatting it all the way round on Friday."

We look forward to hearing the results and no doubt an update will appear soon.

PB

Newsflash from Augusta...

Tiger Woods has announced as he chases another major title he felt the need to change his short game / putting coach and who better to take on this position than Team Nottingham’s Dom Williams. Williams jnr has been spotted on the greens at Augusta after being flown out last night following his extraordinary performance at the Old Speckled Hen Golf Day at Coxmoor. Williams Jnr only four putted once and managed approximately 10 three putts on greens that were thought to be faster than those at Augusta, this is the kind of form that he hopes to pass on to the former world number 1 this week. In other news, Nick Brooker has been placed on suicide watch following his completely humiliating 5 and 4 defeat to Pet ‘Tubby’ Bumwell at the weekend. A source close to Brooker (thought to be Supermarket Sweep extraordinaire Dale Winton) said that Brooker was a broken man… but he hoped a bit of retail therapy and a good old fashioned buggering should do the trick and have him right as rain within a few days!

Seddon Waves Goodbye To Manhood, and Coo's Hello to the Sailors

Fellow SCC-ers, it is with great sadness that I have to convey this terrible news. It was believed this year that finally SCC stalwart and Team Liverpools' most prestigious player was to over come his "massive-gayness", unfortunately these wishes were cut short in his most recent photo shoot.

It was believed that Chris "Still a Homo" Seddon was to be modelling Team Liverpool's new kit on various location shoots in Australia. But what we have found is that he managed to sneak Team Nottinghams' new kit into his bag instead.

He has been recorded as saying that the fabric felt, "surprisingly comfortable" and "ball huggingly tight".

I for one wish Mr Seddon all the best on his recovery towards achieving manliness again, but I feel my wishes are far too late.

Adieu

Top 5 Memories of SCC History - part iv

Part 4 of the Top 5 memories goes to the entire SCC 2010 competition due to the absence of Neil 'humungously Massive C' Gayton! Pictured here in probably his most heterosexual stance! There were so many plus points in 2010, so many fond memories it is hard to pinpoint a specific situation, the entire experience was exhilarating.

Players and spectators alike all said what a great tournament SCC 2010 was to participate in and to observe, the majority of people putting this down to Team Manchester dropping Neil Gayton and selecting his sister-in-law Matt Miller who hit considerably fewer high fades than Gayton would have done!

Top 5 memories of SCC History - part iii

Day 1 of SCC 2009 at Pennard GC, Ben Williams was seen disgracefully chipping out the back of a bunker... if you look really carefully, you can just his lipstick, eyeliner and tampons falling out of his golf bag! Disgraceful behaviour Ben... hang your head in shame!

Top 5 memories of SCC History - part ii

Day 1 of SCC 2009 at Pennard GC (nicknamed F***inghard GC), Team Nottingham take on the might of Team Birmingham in the morning session. This particular scene (see image) could have been taken on any of the 1st 17 holes, Team Nottingham's talisman Si Porter torn between thrashing a 5 wood out of the heavy rough having duffed a tee shot or just picking up his ball and walking to the next tee! Team Birmingham's Ben Williams can be seen here thinking about the most appropriate comment to make... should he go with 'chin up' or maybe just take the piss which I am sure is the tact that he went with!

Top 5 memories of SCC History - part i

Day 1 of SCC 2008, the wind at Aberdovey blowing harder than Ben Williams' arse after a curry. Pet Bumwell, decided to be a big man and have more than the required 2 pints in between the morning and afternoon rounds, then subsequently nailing one of the biggest drives of his life off the 1st tee... it must have flown all of 9 yards ending up in this lovely position (see image)... nice lie, sitting up, ball slightly below his feet, I don't remember the outcome of this shot as I spent the next 5 minutes changing my trousers having wet myself with laughter! What a legendary moment and one that this great tournament should dwell on in the years to come!

More memories to follow...