SCC Welcomes The News Of Another Deserter

BREAKING NEWS ............. BREAKING NEWS .....................

At a press conference quickly arranged less than 2 hours ago, Peter "Swings
like a legend, putts like a girl" Bramwell approached the microphone.....


"First and foremost, let this be understood that we are very happy to hear
the exciting news from Team Birmingham camp. We all wish Sally well and
that the forthcoming months are stressfree and relaxing, much unlike playing
a round of golf with her husband.

It has come as a shock to the whole SCC community that Team Birmingham
linchpin, Ben "He Shoots, He Scores" Williams is to become a father, which
will undoubtedly be ruling him out from the next few years of SCC
competition.

On the flipside, we are pleased to announce that Nick "I'm here and I'm
Queer" Brooker, is delighted with the prospect of not only becoming an
uncle, but to also lose the deadweight that is Ben Williams.


I have a statement which he wishes me to read to you all...

"As you all know now, Ben will be retiring at the end of this year.
This leaves me with many mixed emotions, most of them whirling around the
idea of just bringing in the new partner now, therefore not drawing out the
inevitable. Ben has held me back over the years, and has been nothing short
of devastating for Team Birmingham. His ears and nose have cast many a
shadow over the team, and I am ready to start a fresh. I have heard that
there is a promising young lad from the blind and deaf school around the
corner, who seems to be playing a more consistant game than Ben at present.

Whatever happens I will be keeping my options open and no doubt I will be
keeping you all fully informed."


I can only agree with Nick that swift action needs to be taken, as it was
done with that former player for Team Manchester who's name escapes me....

We will be keeping you informed on these breaking events in the lead up to
SCC 2010, and you will be notified of any team changes.


I will not be answering any questions as I need to go and take a paternity
test this afternoon.

Thank you for attending"

Pres

Team Liverpool Golf fans rejoice!

With just two weeks to go until SCC 2010, reporters flocked to Chorley Golf Club, Lancahire to watch an intriguing matchplay between Seddon Senior/Team Liverpool's Seddon Junior and the force (formally known) Team Manchester. Bramwell and Guyton's love affair will be sorely missed this year but after such a performance, surely Mr Miller can only improve things. The crowds oooooh'd and ahhhh'd as the ball flight from Bramwell has obviously improved but it's now the simple things that let his game down. Stepping up to the plate as Team Manchester's number one may be a bridge too far come Tenby a fortnight tomorrow, and avoiding the wooden spoon will be object number 1.



A pushed putt on the 2nd and a pull on all the others topped off an irritating round for Team Manc's number 1. There was a small consolation for Bramwell as a par on the (stroke index 2) 4th hole was enough to clinch the hole. Playing his 2nd shot from the 5th fairway (70yards left of target), Bramwell hit a blind 2nd which some how came within 15ft but a solid lag never threatened the hole for a birdie three.



The sheer power of Liverpool's Seddon and the accuracy of Senior, soon wore down the reigning champions and a run of Par, Birdie, Birdie, Par including a stunning 5 iron from under a tree on the Par 5 14th from Seddon Junior finished the match 4 & 3. Minus some early tee shots, Liverpool's number 1's game is coming together just in time. "Let's just hope the putter stays hot, I'm putting like God!" harked Seds.



On Friday a group of SCC regulars will be teeing it up in Nottingham for the annual 'Another Marital Status soon to be crippled Open'. This event is another last ditch preparation for the individuals involved as they try to avoid the SCC wooden spoon title and give grandad Miller a dust down. We wait in anticipation for reports on this event and SCC blogspot is the only place to keep you up to date with the latest breaking news, odds and betting.



Regards,



Captain Cappello's understudy.

Don Fabio... Bramwell makes "big mistake"

We caught up with Don Capello after he'd had another couple of beers with the England lads....

Naturalmente siamo relativi, imbecile!

(Of course we are related, imbecile!)

E sono un grande ventilatore dello Second City Challenge, come I' m. sure che conoscete

(And I am a big fan of the SCC, as I'm sure you know.)

Infatti, ora penso esso... It' s evidente siamo relativi.

(In fact, now I think of it... It's obvious we are related. )

Sono un genio di sport.

(I am a sporting genius.)

Matkinson è un genio di sport.

(Matkinson is a sporting genius.)

Ha più talento in suo mignolo che voi tipi avere nel vostro intero gioco.

(He has more talent in his little finger than you guys have in your entire game.)

La sua oscillazione è più dolce dei la maggior parte tiramisu sublime.

(His swing is sweeter than the most sublime tiramisu.)

Scompigliate con Matkinson.

(You mess with Matkinson.)

Scompigliate con me.

(You mess with me.)





Congratulazioni Ben, a proposito

(Congratulations Ben, by the way.)

Gmac dedicates mickey mouse Open to SCC psyche!

Team Liverpool heartthrob Chris (just jump off dom) Seddon had a rude awakening this morning from none other than the new US Open champion, Graeme Mcdowell. Mcdowell has been taking advice from the Liverpool psychological mastermind. Seddon stated, “Its true, Gmac called before teeing it up for his final round. He wanted to know how to get into his playing partners head, Dustin Johnson who had a three shot lead. We discussed a few comments and riddles that would suit his cheeky Irish tones and worked on the timing of these.” Mcdowell commented in his championship press conference, “ I couldn’t of grinded down the young American without the help of my SCC idol. We referred to well known ‘Bumwell 2009 Pennard blow up’ where Neil (shit, little Ted came early and I’m aloud to play now) Gayton scored the round of his life to claim the SCC Goblets! After a few needles to Johnson he was in tatters and was shitting shots to score a remarkable 82. Now that’s what I call a bottle job you American wanker!” Graeme followed on to mention that he is looking forward to viewing the SCC 2010 and hopes Team Liverpool can seal the deal at Seddon’s third time of asking. “I will be taking part in the final preparation round with team Liverpool at Royal Porthcawl GC on Thursday 8th July and use it as vital training for the ‘proper’ Open at St Andrews later that month”.
With less than three weeks to go until the most anticipated Golf tournament in the world, Tenby’s preparations are in full swing, with the grandstands and barriers being erected by the day. Lets just hope the porn selection is up to scratch. Over and Out!

DNA Test Required?

As Capello struggles over his team selection for tonight's match against Algeria, another prominent story is lurking in the murky shadows.

They have never been seen in the same room, but now they are going to have to answer to the media face to face.

Are Matkinson and Capello the same person?
Is Capello one of Matkinsons love children, or are they brothers?

Questions which are hard to answer, but not hard to believe.

I for one back our SCC Captain and the utter bullshit that usually comes out of his mouth, but this time I will be listening with intent with what he has to say.

Over to you Captain.


President and Honorable Person.

SECOND CITY SCANDAL!

Team Liverpool and Birmingham members unveil shock new underhand tactics in a blatant effort to destabilise Team Manchesters better looking half:

HORROR! Coercing an innocent little girl to get her sticky chocolate fingers all over Matt Millers 6 Iron.

SHOCK! Provoke a sweet young child to swing wildly at innocent stuffed toy 'Bob the Cat'.

HAPPY ENDING! All in attendance agreed that Bethany's swing was far more likely to last under pressure than Team Nottinghams homosexual-even-though-recently-married half.

Team Manchester Reshuffle sees Bramwell out of SCC

It is rumoured that Neil "he's the daddy" Gayton is planning to replace Peter Bumwell in the Manchester pairing - with a baby!

It is understood that Neil believes that the little boy, whose name is not currently known, is likely to offer Manchester a more consistent level of performance than Bottle-It Bumwell has done at recent tournaments.

Welcome to the world little guy - hope to see you on the SCC sometime soon!

First Foreign Post

Ben "i don't always play to 8" Williams today posted the first blog in SCC history from foreign soil. And in a double swoop for the Birmingham linch-pin, he also becomes the first SCC blooger to post from outside of Europe.

Check out the neocounter - Vietnam baby!!! Phew, it's might hot out here!


Miss you long time.

Mystic Meg Predicts

Good morning sports fans.

For those who haven't been following events a new and unprecedented slot on the blog has just recently been announced this morning.

She used to be the staple part of morning television on GMTV, but now has reached the dizzying heights of SCC fame. Mystic Meg, the fortune teller and all round babe, has proudly announced that she will be joining the SCC team to not only predict future scores, but to project her photographic predictions of future events.

As a tantaliser for the supporters has been her predictions of Dominic "Shit - Who Shaved My Head" Williams upcoming stag do this weekend. She has produced a photo of what she describes will be a, "Hilarious Sunday morning sight".


Mystic Meg, we thank you and look forward to future predictions.

Pres

excerpt from next Saturday's 'Piers Morgan Life Stories: Matthew Miller'

Miller: Please Piers I’m just not able to comment in any way on the speculation as to why Sol Campbell actually left Notts County. However hard you push I simply cannot comment.

Morgan: Come on Matt admit it, was it really due to a broken heart? Did the upcoming marriage of his ‘special friend’ Dom Williams tip him over the edge?

Miller: Really Piers you have to stop looking at those websites. Can we move away from the whole area of man love, I'm just not comfortable with it. Let's get back to my upcoming debut at the renowned SCC. I’ve got some important things to say.

Morgan: Ok Matt let’s do that. Now some would say you’re at a serious disadvantage this year in replacing so skilled a golfer as Neil McGayton?

Miller: Piers there’s no denying it Neil can play golf. And swear at umpires in Hockey, he's very good at that. Frankly I’m hot and cold. Streaky if you like. Sh*t if you must. However, and let me say this clearly, I have ABSOLUTE faith that my partner this year will play out of his skin. Or at least to his handicap. Or maybe even to my handicap at a push.

Morgan: Can he be trusted? We’ve seen what can happen, I mean 27 off the tee at Pen…

Miller: let me stop you there Piers. What’s past is past. Perhaps Neil was overly indulgent before (especially so with the bed wetting incidents), however I know Pete has matured into a sensible, grounded human being. I mean he’s now in charge of organizing my stag do! So yes let’s talk about trust shall we. On the golf course I trust Peter implicitly. And vice versa. He knows I'll always have some beers in my bag.

Morgan: Now these allegations of an incident in Portugal, in which a Team Birmingham competitor was injured…

Miller: I have no idea how these things follow me around, scurrilous clap trap. Yes I was playing at Pestana with my Team Manchester team mate and Ben. And yes Ben stumbled and fell, injuring his ankle. I’ll admit Pete was waaaaaay off left looking for a ball he had hooked the hell out of , as impossible as that sounds. Yes I was the nearest person to Ben. But let me categorically say again I DID NOT PUSH HIM OVER. It was an accident and the poor little soldier seemed to shake it off to have some fun on the water slides a few days later.

Morgan: Ok so we’re going to wrap up here, anything else you’d like to add?

Miller: Absolutely Piers. Team Manchester may be much changed this year but one thing that hasn’t altered is our UTTER conviction that we fight on and we fight to win. And we drink on and we drink to win as well I'd like to add.

Actual, genuine, real interest in the SCC!

In a first for this site, "Pembs Listings", a real life, totally not made up by any of the usual bloggers organisation have become followers of the SCC blog spot!

Welcome to the world of the SCC Pembs Listings. The group, who list themselves as "Promoting Pembrookshire its services,, businesses, places of interest, attractions, events and much more" are welcome to contribute to the blog and enjoy the fun it brings.

This recognition by the real world has sparked a frenzy of activity in news rooms across the world as interest from a non-fictional body puts the SCC on the brink of the big time.

Former captain and Team Birmingham rock Ben Williams, has reassured local press by stating that the competition would remain true to it's roots. In a swipe at some of his competitors, Williams added that Team Birmingham would most certainly not be selling their souls to the corporate machine by signing up to any team sponsorship.

"Nick and I compete in the the SCC for the love of the game and the opportunity to share a bed, preferably with a soft floral duvet. Making money off of the success of the competition has never been something that has interested Team Birmingham. The work we do for charity and the donations we make from our SCC revenue often gets overlooked".

The pair do vast amounts of work with the underprivelaged in their city, mainly employing them on half the mininum wage working on their often flamboyant golfing attire in the back street sweat shops of Dudley.

Live Sponsorship Breaking News ...... Breaking News ...........

After Dominic "Hey Fella, Wanna Have Some Fun?" Williams's exciting press release yesterday, it seems that the rest of the SCC Teams have battled to steal the limelight from Team Nottingham.

It was only a matter of hours until Team Birmingham held a press conference to discuss their sponsors of this years competition. Held in the flouse of one of the teams entrants Nick "I'm The Gay One" Brooker, came waddling up to the mic to announce their deals....

"Hello ladies and espcially the gentlemen, as you all know I have being struggling with a recent bout of AIDs, but thankfully that is now calming down and I can continue with my extra-curricular activities (wink's at Simon Thompson from the Daily Mail in the front row).

It is with great pleasure that I can confirm Mothercare are to be our leading sponsors as Dom so kindly announced for us, but I can also say that another leading brand will also be supporting us to attain a Number Three spot this year.

Trojan Extra Small Condoms - "For When The Man In You, Wants A Man In You", are proud to be supporting Team Bumingham and we are proud to have them right behind us (a wry smile crosses Nick's Face)."

Ben "I'm nearly forty you know" Williams, was also quick to backup the partner who has carried him for the past 4 years. "A lot of people thought that it would be tough for us to gain sponsorship after last years embarrassing performance, and to be fair, who would blame them? I can only say that this year I will be relying on my partner again, and I know better than anyone that Nick likes nothing better that for a man to be right by his side."


In other news, Team Manchester, will be shortly announcing their sponsors for this year. With their impressive haul of wins it will be no surprise to see Callaway and Nike once again extend their contracts, but with the shameful Matt "I am actually forty Ben" Miller joining the team, who knows what could happen.

Watch this space

Team Nottingham Reveal Huge Sponsorship Deals!

Not wanting to be outdone by Chris 'my team are going down this year' Seddon and his recent announcement about sponsorship, Dom Williams (the playing member of Team Nottingham) released the following Press release:

"It is with great pleasure that Team Nottingham are able to reveal that they now have three seperate commercial contracts with big corporate giants as they attempt to avoid the wooden spoon for the third time in four years.

We have agreed a two year deal with Tampax who will not only provide a financial contribution to training fees but have also agreed to provide us with unlimited tampons over the next two years for us to give to Pete when he blobs a hole. Steve Cotton (CEO of Tampax) said " we all know how bad Bumwell is at golf and what an all round terrible bloke he is, and having followed SCC closely over the last four years we are aware of his extremely poor record against team Nottingham, therefore we will need to increase our productivity at all of our local plants to meet the obvious need for our product at Tenby."

Mothercare have also come on board as our official supplier of baby products. Pi Sorter explained that "Mothercare noticed an opportunity to exploit the market by plugging their latest range of dummies and toys at this years tournament, apparently Nick Brooker hasn't been playing much golf recently so we are expecting several pulled drives, shanks and duffed chips from him, when added to the odd snide comment from Team Nottingham's usually tight lipped, liberal, pin up, Dom Williams, we expect there to be numerous occasions whereby toys / dummies are thrown out of the pram so we contacted Mothercare who were more than happy to supply Mr Brooker with enough apparel to satisfy his temper tantrums."

Apple are the third big name to jump on board Team Nottingham's apparent commercial rollercoaster. Dom Williams was on hand to explain the benefits of this deal, "last years fixture against Liverpool whilst very enjoyable was also somewhat painful. The main problem was that we had to put up with Seddon's incessant bulls**t, therefore we wanted something to drown out his Northern dulcid tone, therefore we approached Apple via Pi Sorter's IBM connections and they agreed to supply a brace of Ipod Nano's and unlimited access to their itunes collection. We will no doubt feel the benefit even as early on as the first fairway."

The official press release did not reveal that Team Nottingham have also secured a "naming rights sponsor", un-named sources have revealed to Blogspot.com that a deal is all but agreed with Poundland. The details of the deal are a little sketchy, but it would appear the collaboration will result in "Nottingham Poundland" becoming the official name of Team Nottingham for 2010. It is thought that Nottingham's cheap image is the main reason that the affordable retail outlet have joined forces with them as their is a strong synergy between their two products.

No doubt the other teams will scrambling around to find themselves new and exciting sponsorship deals, be sure to revisit this site for all the gossip.

P.S. Matt Miller is a homo!

Seddon Thanks Sponsors

With just 120 days to go, the golfing calendar is looking forward to the biggest weekend of the year. This has not evaded the biggest names in golf and two major players have signed up to back the likely favourites in 2010....Team Liverpool. The improving partnership are set to take Tenby by storm this summer after narrowly loosing out to team Manchester in what can only have been a drug inhibited final round! A security breach in Pennards locker room recorded "Theres no way Gayton can putt and chip so well and Bumwell needing to play off the ladies tees to compete with his 9 hole handicap, without some drug abuse somewhere in the round" could be heard from Mr Captain Elect fuming at the urinal pre- awards presentation.
Mizuno and Titleist have stepped forward to support Seddon's golfing exploits this week. After kitting out Chris (how does a category 2 golfer strike a ball so well) Seddon with some new Irons, wedges and a bag. After a 7 day meeting/negotiation a 3 year deal was struck.
Seddon has decided to extend his charity work further this year and is auctioning off his old weapons of mass destruction to "club" together a few lessons for Pi Sorter and psychological assessments for Bumwell as Seddon's stomach cant take laughing as hard again this year at the none starters, and wishes to take the competition very seriously this year!
Seddon was quoted " With the unbelievable talent on show I'm sure we will see all the top brands interested in our players this year".....as a scuffle erupts in the background, a question is thrown towards Team Liverpool's younger half..."Mr Seddon, Mr Seddon...Gordon Slice here, CEO of Molitor Golf, have you got Team Nottingham's contact details"......Seds: "I'm afraid I dont. If you want any details of meet ups with Nottingham Team, you must RSVP to a date you have no idea when it occurs, ideal that, its just the way they organise things!"

Shortly after, Seddon headed for a blacked out limo, straight to Heathrow for a week in Gran Canaria to acclimatises himself with his new products...watch this space!

2010 - The Year to Define all Years

The tension - unbearable
The excitement - oozing

He stretches, practices, tee's up ..... BOOM.


Royal St Hale erupted yesterday when President Peter 'Lock Away Your Daughters' Bumwell stepped up to start off his golfing campaign of 2010. Spectators, could be heard screaming "He's much more attractive in the flesh!" and "My God, Look at the length of that!", as Bumwell tore up the difficult double 9 course.

We briefly caught up with Sir Bumwell at the end of his astonishing round and he had this to say...

"Well, what can I say, this course just keeps surprising me each year. It really is a testament to the greenstaff to make this course a very very different round from the first nine to the remaining 9 holes.
As much as anybody may say it's only a 9 holer, I say well, what happen's when you multiply 9 by 2?

No?

Well I'll help you .... 18 ..... that's correct.

I won't be the first to say it, though many have said it before me, I play my golf like I live my life ... fast, hard and god damn sexy."

At this point a rather big nosed muffle came from the crowd,"Mr Bumwell .. Sir, may I ask how you seemingly thrash the course into a pathetic whimpering wreck when you practice, yet when you actually come to play in a competition you somewhat bottle it?"

"Sorry, is that Ben 'My ears are also rather large' Williams? Well, it's actually rather embarrassing for me, I know I play like a legend, but I don't want to make those I play with fell inadequate, they try so hard all year, and I mean playing with me is experience enough, I just want to make them feel better. I do it for my fans, not me."



Astonishing words from a true gentleman of the game.

Mr Brooker - Set To Break Silence at 14.00GMT 19/2/10

As you have probably heard by now, there has been some controversy in the media over Mr N 'I Like A Bit Of Rough' Brooker's recent debauchery claims. It is believed that many men have come forward to confess that they have had a bit of bum-fun with Mr Brooker over the past few years. These events seem to have happened when Mr Brooker was supposedly playing in golf competitions, but it looks like he was putting his balls in completely different holes to those on the golf course.

One gentleman, who wishes to remain nameless (picture below), is quoted as saying, "I was so confused, one minute he was talking about his incredible length on the golf course, the next I was biting down on some quality goose down pillows."


This news has come at a very difficult time for Brooker, as he has managed to secure himself an actual real 'girlfriend'. This claim is yet to be verified, and approved by the SCC board, but I can honestly say that she definitely must have a screw loose somewhere.

So we wait to see what he has to say at the press conference, and rest assured that SCC Blog will keep you fully updated on this breaking story.

President "Whoa, look at the size of that" Bumwell

SCC venue confirmed - 9/10 July 2010

Absolutely exclusive to secondcitychallenge.blogspot.com!

The blog announcement we've all been waiting for!

Amidst raucous scenes at UKPGA Headquarters this morning, we caught up briefly with 2010 Captain, Matkinson, to ask him a few questions as to this year's venue.

We also caught up with a long-standing SCC fan (shown above, posing by links-type scenery).

Reporter: "Are you pleased Mr Captain that the deal is now in the bag."

El Capitan: "Yes thanks, ecstatic. They never thought I had it in me those boys. They thought my secretary was doing it all. Well...I'll show them. I've actually gone and booked a golf course!!"

Reporter: "Well done. It's a good one too, if I may say so. One of Wales' premier links tracks."

El Capitan: "Yes, well, I did think about something different this year. Something easier, basically, with less sand and rough. But we're coming back for more punishment! Links golf's where it's at, I'd say."

Reporter: "Quite. And of course, we'll be surrounded by an area of oustanding natural beauty. It's nice to see there were no backhanders involved again this year."

El Capitan: "What?!... Who mentioned backhanders?... I didn't mention them. Obviously there will be sponsorship contracts won and lost on the back of this decision, but I only have the interests of the game at heart, you understand that?..."

... Matkinson was at this stage thrust into a blacked-out Range Rover by two members of his security entourage, and driven away at speed.

One fan had this to say on this year's venue: "Nice. I loves the Pamela Andersons. "

But at least, here at SCCblogspot.com, we can rest assured that another mouthwatering tournament is in prospect. When the players tee off on the morning of Friday 9 July 2010, looking out over Carmarthen Bay, we'll be with them every step, top, slice and duff of the way. Follow all the action here, at secondcitychallenge.blogspot.com.....

What's all the fuss about? It's only a baby...

Team Birmingham have reacted with surprise to the news that Neil "The Duck" Gayton has withdrawn fro SCC2010 due the imminent arrival of a little baby.

It is a well known fact that Nick "The Daddy" Brooker gave birth on a golf course in 2004 whist expanding the Birmingham brand overseas. The fact that he continued the round and carded a respectable +2 has made him something of a cult hero on the island ever since.

TBC - C'ed

SCC followers awoke this morning to the news they had all been waiting to hear, Matthew Miller, 72, has confirmed that Miss E Guyton, 27, will let him play in SCC 2010.

"I'm not happy about it," said Neil and Emily in unison, "I'm not happy about it at all. This sort of thing will not be tolerated once we are wed, hang on .... (shouting upstairs) ... Matthew, have you cleaned behind your ears yet? Put some f***ing clothes on, you f***ing layabout .... Sorry, where was I? Yes, I'm not happy with this, I'm even thinking of coming along just to keep my eyes on him. I've heard about Peter's length and I'm very worried."

Neil was also visually distressed and commented, "No comment."

So, it is with great pleasure that I now can announce my newest member to Team Manchester for 2010, Mr Matthew "In The Hole" Miller.

Mr Pres

Breaking News... Neil Pulls Out After Finding Penis

As most of you may be aware, Team Manchester has been halved from two great golfers, to just one and a half great golfers. The aforementioned half, Mr Neil 'Yes It Works' Guyton, has been getting his end away and managed to produce a sprog. Not even cries from Massive C Seddon of, "Stop Nobbin' Around", could not prevent this from happening.

So it brings me with great pleasure to welcome Mr Matthew Miller (65), to the SCC for 2010 (Still TBC). I'm sure that we will welcome Matthew with open arms and erect penis's into the SCC fold.

Matthew, born 7th January 1935, was delighted when he heard the news. "I just can't believe it," said the radpidly aging southerner, "I have to keep pinching my nipples, just to make sure it's not a dream. I never knew that dropping out of Manchester Polytechnic in 1992 would ever come around to this. I know that I have a small role to play, as Neil was just the supporting act, and even though I will try my best, it will be hard to over-shadow the presence that is Mr Peter 'Length' Bramwell."

Wise words, by an less than average golfer, I'm sure you'll agree.


Mr President