Top Memories of SCC History – part v

It has obviously been a while trying to find the final of the top five moments of SCC history, and last night an absolute pearler was remembered. The thoughts came back whilst Peter 'Definitely going to be carrying Neil' Bramwell was giving Neil 'Oh My God, another high fade' Guyton an absolute drubbing.

The memories wont be there for most members of the SCC so I will try and recapture the moment for you in as much detail as possible… (from my perspective)

The waves crash in, a seagull swoops low over head, Ben lets out a massive fart echoing around Nefyn GC car park. That was the setting for what was to be the beginning of the greatest golf competition the world had ever known, the 'Second City Challenge'. I had obviously met Nick and Neil a few times but this was only the second time I had really met Ben, and I was a bit concerned about his golfing prowess as Nick had described him as fairly new to the game and a little bit wank.

The first tee is a majestic view out into the ocean and is surrounded by the starters hut and a full patio of eager golfers. We all get away solidly (we could tell Ben was slightly nervous due to the brown stain slowly seeping through his new golf shorts) and the first hole is completed with no real bother, although Nick was messing about with his bag something chronic muttering 'where the here did I put all of those toys?'.

On the second tee however, all was about to change. Team manchester step up to the plate and Bramwell smashes one majestically down the middle about 290 yards, Neil wangs one out into the Atlantic, narrowly missing the Isle of Man and Nick streaks one about a foot off the ground for no more than 120 yards. Then big bollocks Ben comes up, two,maybe three, solid practise swings. Approaches the ball. Shoulders shift back and a long slow piercing stare down the fairway soon follows. Head down. Clean take away. Great turn. Huge swing, massive in fact, only to find that his brand new top flite ladies number 4 ball still sitting perched on top of the tee.

He eventually manages to knob it away, and Neil, Ben and myself head off on the thirty yard walk to Bens ball, when we turn around to find what can only be described as an exploding 'Toys 'R' Us' behind us. Nick's bag strap had broken on the second tee of a long weekend of golf, and it couldn't have happened to a more cool, calm and collected man!

What memories, never to be replicated only to be bettered in this years SCC 2011.

Ps, I would suggested a quick email to Ben and Nick to ask them what happened on the final green to win SCC 2006!

PB

Dom Williams puts the record straight

Dom Williams (Team Nottingham's pin up) has contacted SCCblogspot.com to put the record straight as he appears to have been massively misquoted by a massive C (Bumwell!) in a recent post on this usually revered site. Williams Junior, who is currently out in the Carribean performing a photo shoot for GQ Magazine put out the following statement to put the record straight about his forthcoming appearance at Hale GC:

"Well, it goes without saying that apart from SCC, I dont tend to play with many golfers with special needs, therefore playing at Hale GC is the one of the more community based highlights of my golfing calendar. The rough pin positions are a challenge for any good gofer, and although I have heard some people talk down the course for being only 9 holes, I myself believe that the slighlty different tee positions on the back 9 make this an 18 hole course to be reckoned with... especially for their numerous 'special' members. Hale you have done yourself proud in your work in supporting the local community by allowing access to all and I look forward to fattening myself up in the bar after I have played with Bumwell on Friday"

Williams Junior is now only 1 medal away from becoming a 15 handicapper and he admits that times have been hard of late on the golf course after his first ever lesson which has lead to a Toger Woods style new swing. Williams has lost some of his notorious distamce of the tee, however he insists he is in it for the long game, and although he admits his performance at SCC 2011 may suffer, he is focussing on his main target of playing off 16 by the end if the summer. He was quick to point out that even though his golf isn't going well, at least his missus didn't buy him golf lessons for his birthday as she heard that he could do with all the help he could get and she wanted him out of the house a bit more... hey Matkinson?!

Over and out!

Team Manchester enter the final stages

It has been a gruelling winter's training for Team Manchester this year, with Neil 'Massive High Fade' Guyton (43) working relentlessly to achieve a commendable promotion with his local ladies hockey team and Peter 'Steady as a Rock' Bramwell (28) working tirelessly to bring down his handicap. As we can see below, the training for this years SCC 'The Times They Are A Changing' 2011 tournament has been so arduous that Mr Guyton has only time to hang Edward 'Lower Handicap than Si Porter' Guyton out to dry, rather than towel him down.





This years favourites will be meeting up tonight for the annual pre-SCC "Who should play out of their skin and carry the other team-mate" match. With Peters recent form (shot a 79 with a quadruple bogey to come down from 13.0 to 12.2) in Medal 1, it is no surprise that he is this years bookies favourite at 2/1. Whilst there is no surprise that Nick 'Still Gay' Brooker is again odd's on favourite to abandon all toys on the first tee at a huge 1/14.

Following tonights Team Manchester meeting, there with be a 'Clash of the Titan's' on Friday 29th at 9.30am, hosted by Royal Hale GC. This year see's the leading team players from each of the SCC teams meeting for what is expected to be a huge crowd puller. This year unfortunately no team member from Team Liverpool could be present (due to a lack of invitation) so a representational appearance for Matkinson will take place in the form of Mrs E Williams (34). Mrs Williams current husband and all round gay Dom 'C' Williams (39 1/2) gave a quick interview this week before Fridays big event, "Well, it goes without saying that apart from SCC, playing Royal Hale GC is the highlight of my golfing calendar. The tough pin positions are a challenge for any good golfer, and although I have heard some people talk down the course for being only 9 holes, I myself believe that the completely and utterly different tee positions on the back 9 make this definitely an 18 hole course to be reckoned with. Hale you have done yourself proud and I look forward to fatting it all the way round on Friday."

We look forward to hearing the results and no doubt an update will appear soon.

PB

Newsflash from Augusta...

Tiger Woods has announced as he chases another major title he felt the need to change his short game / putting coach and who better to take on this position than Team Nottingham’s Dom Williams. Williams jnr has been spotted on the greens at Augusta after being flown out last night following his extraordinary performance at the Old Speckled Hen Golf Day at Coxmoor. Williams Jnr only four putted once and managed approximately 10 three putts on greens that were thought to be faster than those at Augusta, this is the kind of form that he hopes to pass on to the former world number 1 this week. In other news, Nick Brooker has been placed on suicide watch following his completely humiliating 5 and 4 defeat to Pet ‘Tubby’ Bumwell at the weekend. A source close to Brooker (thought to be Supermarket Sweep extraordinaire Dale Winton) said that Brooker was a broken man… but he hoped a bit of retail therapy and a good old fashioned buggering should do the trick and have him right as rain within a few days!

Seddon Waves Goodbye To Manhood, and Coo's Hello to the Sailors

Fellow SCC-ers, it is with great sadness that I have to convey this terrible news. It was believed this year that finally SCC stalwart and Team Liverpools' most prestigious player was to over come his "massive-gayness", unfortunately these wishes were cut short in his most recent photo shoot.

It was believed that Chris "Still a Homo" Seddon was to be modelling Team Liverpool's new kit on various location shoots in Australia. But what we have found is that he managed to sneak Team Nottinghams' new kit into his bag instead.

He has been recorded as saying that the fabric felt, "surprisingly comfortable" and "ball huggingly tight".

I for one wish Mr Seddon all the best on his recovery towards achieving manliness again, but I feel my wishes are far too late.

Adieu

Top 5 Memories of SCC History - part iv

Part 4 of the Top 5 memories goes to the entire SCC 2010 competition due to the absence of Neil 'humungously Massive C' Gayton! Pictured here in probably his most heterosexual stance! There were so many plus points in 2010, so many fond memories it is hard to pinpoint a specific situation, the entire experience was exhilarating.

Players and spectators alike all said what a great tournament SCC 2010 was to participate in and to observe, the majority of people putting this down to Team Manchester dropping Neil Gayton and selecting his sister-in-law Matt Miller who hit considerably fewer high fades than Gayton would have done!

Top 5 memories of SCC History - part iii

Day 1 of SCC 2009 at Pennard GC, Ben Williams was seen disgracefully chipping out the back of a bunker... if you look really carefully, you can just his lipstick, eyeliner and tampons falling out of his golf bag! Disgraceful behaviour Ben... hang your head in shame!

Top 5 memories of SCC History - part ii

Day 1 of SCC 2009 at Pennard GC (nicknamed F***inghard GC), Team Nottingham take on the might of Team Birmingham in the morning session. This particular scene (see image) could have been taken on any of the 1st 17 holes, Team Nottingham's talisman Si Porter torn between thrashing a 5 wood out of the heavy rough having duffed a tee shot or just picking up his ball and walking to the next tee! Team Birmingham's Ben Williams can be seen here thinking about the most appropriate comment to make... should he go with 'chin up' or maybe just take the piss which I am sure is the tact that he went with!

Top 5 memories of SCC History - part i

Day 1 of SCC 2008, the wind at Aberdovey blowing harder than Ben Williams' arse after a curry. Pet Bumwell, decided to be a big man and have more than the required 2 pints in between the morning and afternoon rounds, then subsequently nailing one of the biggest drives of his life off the 1st tee... it must have flown all of 9 yards ending up in this lovely position (see image)... nice lie, sitting up, ball slightly below his feet, I don't remember the outcome of this shot as I spent the next 5 minutes changing my trousers having wet myself with laughter! What a legendary moment and one that this great tournament should dwell on in the years to come!

More memories to follow...

Fans 'Panicking Their Balls off' at schedule news...

Grown men squealing like little girls has been the noise which has surrounded SCC HQ this afternoon. We haven't had any confirm news as of yet but brief sightings of the new SCC Captain Nick 'Cooey Sailor' Brooker and his President in crime Mat 'I think I'll be buying a new putter' Kinson, have only added rumour and specualtion to the gossip about SCC 2011.

As most of you know by now, it has not been a happy few months since the completion of SCC 2010. The once great Matthew Miller has been whittled to the toothpick of a man he once was after taking on the Guyton name, and further prostitution rumours have only deepened his wounds. His apparent 'sex for cash' arrangement with Ben Williams was sprayed across the red tops only a month ago, threatening the upcoming nuptials for Mr Miller. This, thankfully, did not prevent the marriage, but it did mean that Ben had to put his knob elsewhere .... Congratulations to Mrs Sally Williams, in her upcoming pregnancy.


We did try today to get some news out of the new SCC captain, but unfortunatly he refused to speak to reporters. That we can only assume is because he had mouth full of semen which he was saving for later on.

Former Pres and SCC 2006, 07, 09, 10 winner
Mr P Bramwell

Green Keepers of the UK scramble to save Ryder Cup after 'Brain Dead Open'!

The finest Green staff of the the UK have been rounded up today as a nightmare scenario has developed at the Ryder Cup hosts 2010 Celtic Manor resort. SCC 2010 Team Loser Dominic (thank god my 25yard putts off fairway go in) Williams was seen digging it off the 1st tee at the '2010 Course' in the annual Brain Dead Open sponsored by Longridge golf ball retrievers. After shooting 123 with only 18 putts, the greens men have ordered 200 tonnes of divot mix and needed 3 bouncers to remove a Massive C from the bar/ clubhouse. An order of 400 bushes was needed as cataclysmic damage has been caused, mainly on the left side from every tee for 75 yards. The trees on the right of every hole roughly 150 yards off the tee have also taken a huge bashing. After seeing the ball flight of a female from Williams at last weeks SCC 2010, its a huge surprise Celtic Manor Officials did not invite the man of the moment, Team Manchester's Matthew (don't worry Neil, I sorted it) Miller.



A spokesmen from Celtic Manor quoted, "I can not portrait the disappointment the members of the R&A and all golf fans displayed on Saturday afternoon seeing Team Liverpool throw away another SCC. To top it off, we now have to deal with this mess that the Brain Dead Open has left us with. It is a dark moment for the history of Golf."



Can the Ryder Cup be saved with only 2 months to go? We wait to see what the golfing gods may bring...

...excerpt from Retail Weekly - "American Golf Watford branch reports record sales"

Shop Manager Daniel Notquitegoodenoughtobeagolfpro reported a boom in golf ball sales this week, especially of the harder two piece variety favoured by high handicappers. Daniel stated, "I've never seen anything like it, some chap in a red polo shirt came in singing "We are the champions" and proceeded to buy up all our boxes of low to mid range golf balls. It's almost as if he were stocking up after losing a load recently."

Retail Weekly has been unable to locate exactly who this mysterious Red Polo shirted gentleman was as of going to press. If any of our loyal readers can help please contact us.

The Story of SCC 2010

Little help here?

Upon thorough inspection of the rules i can see no mention made of competitors being banned from using caddies (ok nurses) to aid them round the course. With this in mind i thought i'd attach a picture of my massively succesful tee shot on the first tee at last weeks Aardvark Plate match at Whipsnade:

Pete - we've got 'em on the run now mate!

Ladbrokes Announce SCC 2010 Odds

Ladbrokes have decided to release their odds for this years fascinating SCC tournament.

Ladbrokes have gone against the traditional norms of laying out odds on purely the winning team, in an intriguing attempt to stimulate trade in the depths of the recession the follwing bets have been made available:

1. Player with the largest nose as voted by three of the local barmaids in the drinking establishments of Tenby:

• Ben Williams 7 - 4 favourite
• Matt Miller 2 - 1

Any other player can be found at 500 - 1.

2. Player most likely to hit the biggest and best 6 iron of their lives in the 1st round of matches:

• Pet Bumwell 3 - 4 favourite

Any other player can be found at 500 - 1

3. Player to hit the shortest drive off the 1st tee on the 1st morning:

• Matt Miller 5 - 3 favourite
• Pet Bumwell evens
• Mattkinson 3 - 1
• Nick Brooker 4 - 1

4. The most attractive and well dressed team:

• Team Nottingham - refused to take any bets as they are such dead set winners

Any other team can be found at 5,000 - 1

5. Player most likely to throw the first hissy fit on the course:

• Nick Brooker 2-1 favourite
• Si Porter 4-1
• Pet Bumwell 9-2
• Mattkinson 9-2

As an aside, ladbrokes have also laid out odds on the overall winners and they obviously fancy the team that everyone else appears to mock... Team Nottingham have been installed as 1 - 1,000 favourites, with team Liverpool second favourites at 7-3. Team Birmingham have slightly longer odds than expected but with Nick Brooker appearing to be over confident and Ben 'the Jellyfish' Williams out of form, not many would fancy a flutter on them at 9 - 1. No surprises that Team manchester have been installed as ran outsiders, it appears they are expected to go from hero's to zero's within a year. They have been issued with odds of 10,000 - 1 and every member of the public that puts a bet on them receives a free lollipop to incentivise bidding.

Happy betting peeps!!!

Old Folks Outing

The SCC board are currently in a swiftly arranged meeting to discuss the recent photographic evidence that has come to light. An unidentified source has presented photographic evidence exclusively to SCC blogspot which seems to show Simon "i wet the bed" Porter and Matthew "my teeth are my own, well some of them are anyway" Miller in a Tenby drinking establishment.

It's understood that there are claims that their nursing home recently took them on a day trip to the links course - an act which is in direct conflict with SSC rules.

Stay tuned for news...

Tenby is electric on the eve of SCC 2010

The southern welsh community of Tenby are pulling together today for the final preparations of the sporting calendar’s biggest weekend. A local spokesman from the Nick Brooker appreciation society (pictured above), Kerry Evans quoted “ The anticipation is killing us. We can’t wait for ‘Getting Shirty’ to kick things off”. The opening ceremony is always a highlight of the competition, closely followed by Bumwell’s golf ball delivery, Pi Sorter’s drive/hammer slam smash, Seddons characteristic Wang and the Loser’s Breakfast.
As reported, SCC is this year reaching out to the senior tour with the inclusion of Matt ‘the weight is on my shoulders’ Miller but blogspot would like to quash rumours that the annual Friday ‘SCC Poker Event’ will not be changed to ‘SCC bridge night’ for the OAP.

Competitors will be arriving at HQ tomorrow evening after a ARAF! journey of 5 hours. It seems Team Liverpool are taking the SCC very seriously this year with a scheduled stop off at the golden bears new gaff, machyns golf and country club. Mr Captain and his side kick will be relaxing at the spa whilst the rush hour journey cuts into the 3rd, 4th and 5th city’s time before tee off. We wait to see how these travel plans affect the weekends play and look forward to the shouting of Fore! on the 1st tee .

Heres to a weekend of great/average/shit golf and may the stuffiest team win!

SCC TV - Exclusive Team Birmingham Footage

Team Birmingham remain positive that Brooker is making positive strides towards full fitness and has taken some time out of his busy schedule to show SCC TV some of the pre tournament preparations that the stars go through.

Brooker pays ultimate price for victory

Only hours after clinching his 4th Major (Individual) Title and only days away from attempting to secure his 2nd team crown in what would be surely be considered one of the greatest golf seasons ever, Brooker's participation has been thrown into serious doubt.

The main draw for the Tenby event appears to have 'shot his bolt' early amidst rumours of GA seriously affecting his gait. Analysts, when commenting on Brooker's schedule last week had their fears that the heat / Brooker weight / hairy arse combo could threaten his long term health. David Feherty was heard saying "It's going to be bloody hot to be sure and his bum bum will be sweating a treat, this could spell disaster and put him out for weeks, if not the rest of the season".

Team Birmingham have refused to comment but an oxygen chamber has been seen being installed into Team Birmingham HQ surely in an attempt to get the hot property and all round hot guy ready for this massive weekend. In addition SCC Blogspot has also found a massive jar of Vaseline in the bins round the back of Brum HQ which could suggest that the Brummies are remaing positive and preparing for the gruelling 54 holes.....or something else!!

SCC Blogspot will keep you updated on all breaking news in the final hours leading up to SCC 2010

Bumwell in Unsurprising Disqualification!

This weekend, Hale Municipal Golf Club was the scene of a disgraceful piece of behaviour from one its ugliest members. Pet Bumwell (pictured left celebrating his partners victory at last years SCC in a way only he can) was unceremoniously disqualified from the 9 hole pitch and putt medal that was played at HGC.

HGC released the following stateent to SCC.Blogspot.com:

"It is with a heavy heart that we, the committee at one of the best 9 hole golf courses within a 1 mile area of Hale have to confirm that Pet Bumwell has been expelled from membership for the foreseeable future from our undistinguished Golf Club. On Saturday, Bumwell was disqualified for breaking three seperate rules as set out by Roger and Alan (hereby known as R&A.) He claims that the real reason was something to do with an unplayable lie that... blah... blah... blah (who cares, and who can be bothered to listen to the claptrap that comes out of his mouth), however the actual reason is that is just a dirty great cheat who always manages to score much better than he plays especially when he has the scorecard in his hand, he is an alround arse on (and off) the golf course and lets be honest a total bottlejob when it comes to playing under pressure. We are tired of his flagrant disregard of the age old traditions of out wonderful game."

Quite surprisingly there were two members of HGC's staff that have be fighting hard for Bumwell's reinstatement. The head of catering Paul Pukka, told blogspot.com that he has seen an 80% drop in the sales of his meat pies since Bumwell's ban. The Professional also opposed to the decision as his shop had seen a dramatic decline in sales of golf balls.

Bumwell certianly needs to change his ways at Tenby this week if he is to avoid a massive beating (both in the physical and golfing sense.) As the tension rises in anticipation of this years SCC, no doubt competitors will decide to watch Team Manchester very carefully especially in the absence of his honorable gentleman Neil Gayton.

Not much more needs to be said other than a few good old fashioned cliches that team Manchester should take heed off - cheats never prosper, ou are only cheating yourself, it's not over until the fat lady (man!) sings and lastly the poignant of all... if you play golf in green shirts in Tenby on a Friday and Saturday in July you will no doubt become SCC champions.

Big love to all of the milliions of SCC fans that unfortunately will not be able to join us at Tenby this year... keep watching for updated results

Thanking you