Breaking News... Neil Pulls Out After Finding Penis

As most of you may be aware, Team Manchester has been halved from two great golfers, to just one and a half great golfers. The aforementioned half, Mr Neil 'Yes It Works' Guyton, has been getting his end away and managed to produce a sprog. Not even cries from Massive C Seddon of, "Stop Nobbin' Around", could not prevent this from happening.

So it brings me with great pleasure to welcome Mr Matthew Miller (65), to the SCC for 2010 (Still TBC). I'm sure that we will welcome Matthew with open arms and erect penis's into the SCC fold.

Matthew, born 7th January 1935, was delighted when he heard the news. "I just can't believe it," said the radpidly aging southerner, "I have to keep pinching my nipples, just to make sure it's not a dream. I never knew that dropping out of Manchester Polytechnic in 1992 would ever come around to this. I know that I have a small role to play, as Neil was just the supporting act, and even though I will try my best, it will be hard to over-shadow the presence that is Mr Peter 'Length' Bramwell."

Wise words, by an less than average golfer, I'm sure you'll agree.


Mr President

Team Liverpool Rule Themselves out of SCC 2010 Race

Team Liverpool pairing, Captain Mattkinson and Christopher Seddon were recently quizzed about their chances at SCC 2010. The pair were quick to write off their chances and when asked if they would pose for SCC Blogspot.com, they adopted a stance highlighting both their golfing prowess and their general likeability factor. Mattkinson stated "Team Liverpool are talked about every year as having an outside chance of finishing within the top 3, however Chris and I are more realistic than that. We know that we are both Losers (as highlighted in the attached image) and that our golfing talent is less than substandard, however we do enjoy taking part in the tournament as we get to spend time with the likes of 'Long shlong' Dom Williams, Neil 'high fade' Gayton and Nick 'I have found my penis' Brooker which in itself is a huge honour.

Pet Bumwell of a posh area outside of Manchester had a different take on the reported photograph. Bumwell went on record stating that the scouse pairing were actually demonstrating that they are actually as dim as they look and conforming to the stereotype that all scousers (even fake ones) are stupid. It is Bumwell's opinion that the pairing were actually describing themselves as a brace of massive C's, but they unfortunately spelled out L's for losers which Bumwell was quick to highlight is also actually the case!

2010 should prove to be another competitive year within the greatest golfing tournament the planet has ever seen, it is fair to say that anyone of the four teams could win it, however the likely outcome is that one of the sides from the East Midlands will probably be victorious for the first time!

Scandle in the highest form...

Dear Members of the Honourable SCC,

It is with great sadness is that I bring you this news. It has been tearing me apart inside but I cannot play down the rumours any longer.

You may have heard in the news and the media that photographs of "inter-team-inter-course" have been taken. I feel that is my duty that I let you know and see them before general release to the public (see below).

Mr Willams and Mr Matkinson, my apologies.

I know that if we really try, we can all get through this together.

Your Friend

Mr President

Rush on for "Blue" Gold

Team Birmingham replica shirts have been in high demand since Ben and Nick launched their official merchandising range shortly before SCC2008. However, in the lead up to Christmas, demand is fast outstripping supply and shop shelves are being cleared within minutes of a new shipment arriving.

Usually retailing at £68.68, a price that coincidentally reflects the pairings anticipated first day scores at SCC2010, the shirts are increasingly being sold illegally. It is understood that black market prices have already broken the £200 mark and with Christmas just around the corner, last years most popular present is expected to sell for much more yet.

There was concern that shirt sales may be impacted upon by the recent revelation that Nick is now in a relationship - with a girl. His gay/not gay reputation had made the Brummie twosome a firm favourite with the woofters. However, these fears seem to have been unfounded and shirt sales continue to out perform any other sporting merchandise currently on the market.

Such is the popularity of the Boys in Blue that Global Wines in Smethwick was recently forced to close when a Birmingham based fan falsely reported on the internet that Ben and Nick were due to be holding an impromptu shirt signing session there. It is believed that the pair are actually planning to appear in Nelams Kebab and Pizza shop at some point over the festive period.

Incoming captain called into question, says Daily Telegraph…

The following transcript has been obtained of a press conference given by the incoming SCC Captain on Sunday morning, 28 June 2009, at the clubhouse, Pennard GC.

It is reproduced here verbatim, without permission, and in association with Golf on Gower FM:

SCC Press Officer, Ms. E. Macpherson: Thanks for coming gentlemen, now if you’ll just be seated...

Mat Kinson (cuts across her): Which one of you is Derek Lawrenson?

Lawrenson (Golf correspondent, Daily Mail): Me...

Mat Kinson: You're a massive C.

Lawrenson: Thanks very much.

Mat Kinson: Which one of you is from the Telegraph?

Mark Reason: Me.

Mat Kinson: You're out of order, you are. F**king out of order. You don't know what you're doing. What's this about Chris Seddon carrying Team Liverpool through 36 holes of golf on Friday? (Slams copy of the Telegraph on the table.)

Reason: Well, free comment...

Mat Kinson: It's bang out of order. I had very bad hay-fever. I'll not have you near this tournament next year, you hear that? And you, from the Mail. I did not “jam my way into contention again, only to choke on the final nine”. You got that?

Lawrenson: We're just reporting on the weekend Mat Kinson, the popular demand for coverage of this event is sky high. We double our circulation at the Mail every time the SCC comes around.

Mat Kinson: Who are you calling Mat Kinson?

SCC Press Officer Macpherson: The incoming captain would like to be referred to as "Mr Captain".

Lawrenson: Mr Captain.

Mr Captain: Quite right.

John Hopkins: Er…John Hopkins here, Golf correspondent, The Times. Mr. Captain, how do you think you played out there today?

Mr Captain: That's a golf question. I'm not here to answer golf questions.

Hopkins: Right, no, of course not. Well, what are your plans for next year?

Mr Captain: I want to win.

Hopkins: Yes, thanks. But I was thinking more on the lines of what do you plan for the event, the venue, we heard St Andrews was in the running to host the SCC 2010?

Mr Captain to Macpherson: What’s he talking about? And why is he snivelling?

Hopkins: I have hay-fever.

Mr Captain: Pathetic.

SCC Press Officer Macpherson: He’d like to know whether you plan to host the event somewhere special for the 5th Anniversary SCC.

Mr Captain: These things sort themselves out in my experience. Next question.

Lawrenson: Did you congratulate Pete Bramwell on his tournament winning 17th hole yesterday?

Mr Captain: That’s another golf question. Next.

Reason: Do you have a word for the fans who turned up today? They’ll be interested to see if you develop a rapport as your predecessor did. Ben also, might I add, always had a word for the press.

Mr Captain: You dicks were watching the Lions, weren’t you? There were a couple of female fans on the 18th, but they seemed to be looking out for Nick Brooker. Next.

Hopkins: Are you in a bad mood because you only finished third this year?

Mr Captain: Were you watching the Lions?

Hopkins: Well…most of us were, yes.

Mr Captain: Timewasters, the lot of you. First and fourth – that’s all that matters, ok? The middle placings are a lottery.

(At this stage a member of the public, sporting a Team Nottingham polo shirt and looking much like Team Nottingham member Dom Williams, was escorted from the building, yelling “Massive C you are… Massive C… Fourth is the new first… Fourth is the new first…”)

Lawrenson: Do you have a word or two for the staff of Pennard GC?

Mr Captain: Didn’t like the rough. Next.

Hopkins: In all seriousness though, it’s a beautiful course isn’t it?

Mr Captain: Neil Guyton seemed to like it, yes.

(At this stage the press conference was interrupted by the shattering of a clubhouse window, followed by the slamming of a club, followed by an exasperated “Simon”.)

Hopkins: Mr Captain, one last question. What do you think of the FWAG's decision to set up their own blog?

Mr Captain: Sloshpots, the lot of them... I’ve had enough.

(Storms off in the direction of the driving range for another 25 balls…)

For the inspiration for this blog, see: http://www.guardian.co.uk/football/2008/oct/03/newcastleunited.premierleague

Bumwell Pays Ultimate Price for Thursday No Show

Pet Bumwell (long term admirer of S Club Juniors) has been sensationally ditched on the eve of SCC 2009. When quizzed by National Press, the SCC commission cited Bumwell's omission from the Thursday festivities at Celtic Manor as the main (but not the only reason) for their non-controversial decision.

In his place, after rigorous interviews, Bumwell's position has been filled by long term SCC wannabe Mike I'm rogueishly good looking' Nowland. It was felt the Nowland would add a certain 'jeu ne se quoi' to the tournament and is vital to the future marketing of the tournament to the Asian Market with his recent topless shoot out in Beijing. Nowland is seen as a vital marketing commodity for the SCC, in hard economic times, it is important that the SCC look to the future of the competition and they felt that Bumwell's participation would be detrimental to future growth.

Nowland (pictured) had this to say:

"I just want to play golf and music, I'll be aiming to play a few tunes out on the course. I would like to thank Pet Bumwell for being a big gay which has given me this opportunity to take part in such an amazing event. I only hope that I can live up to the high standards that have been set over recent years."

When it was pointed out to Nowland that Bumwell is actually only slightly less than average on the course and has a history of losing more balls than Pi Sorter, Nowland quaffed that surely no-one could lower the standard to that level.

Neil Gayton was particularly pleased with this recent revelation, Gayton was heard saying:

"Bumwell has become a liability and really was the only reason that Team Manchester didn't win last year. He has been holding me back for a while now and I am delighted to be teamed with Mike, even though he will no doubt make me look even worse than I normally do I am happy that that useless, drop out let down massive C Bumwell won't be anywhere near me this weekend."

Who Ate All The Pies?

A question normally asked of myself, but it brings me with great please to ask none-other then our very own Mr. Captain.

Where indeed did al those pies go?

I hope you have a lovely round tomorrow.

Pres

Environmentally Friendly President?

Taken earlier today, this photograph confirms that current SCC President, Peter "where's me balls" Bumwell, has actually turned green with envy.

Having been told in no uncertain terms by the new Mrs Bumwell that the joint account can not fund the purchase of enough golf balls to all him to play another round, Peter is having to work whilst the other members tune their games in the stunning surroundings of Celtic Manor.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha etc.

The Roman Road Roams No More

WS .... BREAKING NEWS .... BREAKING NE

[ Here follows an official statement from Celtic Manor Resort & Spa]

"It bring me great sadness to announce that the Celtic Manor Resort & Spa will not be able to host this years SCC '09 warm-up competition. We have been racking our brains o try and find a way to replace the much missed Peter "Extra Length and Accuracy Is My Middle Name" Bumwell, but to no avail. There is no other option but to shut down and dig up the course in his memory. There wouldn't be a proper competition if "he" couldn't make it, and also how would the pro-shop survive? They were banking on at least 2 boxes of balls being bought before the round, then one halfway through.

If only there was another option? But there isn't. I know this will be a great disappointment to those members of the SCC who were going to make a long journey down on Thursday morning, but can I just say to them don't. Don't even think about it, the course isn't here any more, we have removed it, and it will be raining anyway. It wasn't even a good course anyway, so just stay at home.

Yours in Sadness

Johnny "Big" Balls

Director General CMR&S 2009"

WOW .... I'm speechless, but a good move by Celtic Manor nonetheless.

Pres "I Hope It Thunders'N'Lightenings On Thursday Morning You Massive Bunch Of C's" Bumwell

Ryder Cup Venue Wins rights to host SCC Exhibition 2009

Given the increasing profile of the SCC events, the committee have come under increasing pressure to ‘take it to the masses’. There have been calls for the competition to be expanded from 4 to 6 teams, a suggestion that has been shot down in flames. As a compromise the committee have agreed to an exhibition event the day before the 2009 edition kicks off when Team Birmingham begin their defence at 9.30am at Pennard GC.

The exhibition / warm up event is taking place at Celtic Manor, South Wales at 9.40am (for those wishing to view the event tickets can be purchased at http://www.thisgolfisawesomeandineedtowatchit.com/). Celtic Manor are in need of a major golfing event and whilst they recognise they will never be eligible to host the event proper due to not being a links course this is considered a great win by the venue. The upcoming Ryder Cup has failed to excite the golf viewing public due the lack of big names and it is thought that having the Williams sisters (taking a break from Wimbledon), Neil I haven’t got a back (or a partner), Matthew (who are these people that I see once a year, sometimes twice!) will really pull the crowds.

The star studded line up is not complete however, the biggest draw of all Pimon Sorter is yet to confirm his availability. He is in the process of securing 3 year sponsorship deal from IBM for the SCC, which would allow the superstars to take the event global.

Peter Bumwell is the only person confirmed to be gaying out of the event and I’m sure I speak for all the competitors when I say he will be sorely missed!!!!!!! Celtic Manor are said to be delighted though as there were fears that Bumwell's participation would ‘dilute the quality of golf on display’.

The Welsh Get Their Fingers Out

It has been pleasure to see that not only the SCC '09 members are excited about their up coming tournament in 9 days time. It seems that those crazy Welsh folk are also in the SCC spirit!!

Also in other news, Team Manchesters' better looking half has managed to find more length than he thought he had. In a controversial move he has shyed away from the £3 a ball Pro V1's to a more 'economical' Srixon for this years tournament.

In a recent interview he said, "I know that last years ball count was quite extreme. Was it the Pimms? Or was it the extra power that i just couldn't control? I would have to say probably both, but this year i am much happy with my longer balls, and i also now have a harder shaft to control the length."

Coupled with the fact that he is married to his SCC's partners sister, this certainly raised a few eyebrows. But Neil was more than understanding as Peter "Woods" Bumwell explained that he was merely talking about his penis.

9 Days Baby!

Pres "Get Down On Your Knees And Beg" Bumwell

Hot-hot!

Team Birmingham have selected curry as the theme for this years evening meal of champions. "Chutneys” of Mumbles will be hosting the event which, unlike a similar event at the US Masters, will most definately not be paid for by the champions.

The players are expected at 9pm on Friday 26th for customary popadoms and dips, followed by a selection of the regions finest curries and vast quantities of Tiger beer.

Following this announcement, precautions have already been discussed at Woodville Road where the players will be staying for the duration of the tournament. Bog rolls will be kept in the freezer and there will be a wipe-clean floor surface installed in the hall and corridors to prevent a reoccurrence of the outrange that occurred in Newcastle.

http://www.mumbles.co.uk/Restaurants/showRestaurant.php?rID=3000019

Team Liverpool's 'Special' player!

For the past year, the SCC committe have denied all reports linking Team Liverpool's music man Chris 'Im playing off 5 at Pennard' Seddon with mental health difficulties, rubbishing the rumours as paparazzi propaganda, however recent pictures of the Bolton Trumpeter have made the SCC committee come out and comfirm that Chris Seddon does suffer from mentalism (I think that is the most PC phrase these days.) The disease apparently affects a person's accent making them sound northern along with increasing the tendency to talk complete garbage (see comment on report below about the request to play of 7 - what a joke!) Seddon is forced to take a series of medication to help him fight mentalism, full details of the drugs will no doubt be of serious scrutiny by the SCC committee.

Seddon has spoken out in a recent press conference, here is what he had to say:

"durrhhhhhhhh, I be special and wishing i am hitting that there ball of golf as well as that really good looking bloke from Nottinghamshiretownville, you know the younger yellow haired tanned one. Where my pills, where my pills burgghhhhhhhh."

This was followed with him talking gibberish about Bolton being a strong Premiership team,at this point it was clear he was completely barking mad and the local psychologist ordered for Seddon to be sedated with Ketamine (which coindently was found in Nick Brookers failed druf test after his disqualification from SCC 08 along with various other substances.)

It remains to be seen as to whether Seddon will be ok to play at Pennard, however the SCC committee appear keen for his inclusion as it helps to demonstrate their stance on the competition being non discriminatory - in the past they have used Ben 'simple' Williams for their quota of minority backgrounds, however it now appears that they have a more genuine case in Seddon.

As preparation for SCC 09 heats up and with reports of Team Nottingham's extremely experienced (polite term for old) member Pimon Sorter loosing a riduclous amount of golf balls when playing only 11 holes at the very hard track at Royal Rushcliffe, it has been revealed that he has been going to see a mystery friend / therapist who has a track record of loosing hundreds of balls in the past. Pimon Sorter told blogspot.com that his therapist has really helped him, when quizzed about who this person was, Sorter remained philosophical and would not give a name, however he said that his therapist was a fine upstanding posh Northerner who once lost 14 balls in one round - say no more! Sorter has also been for a couple of lessons which has helped instil new confidence in his swing and it is pleasing to hear that the Donnay Slammer has been finally ditched!

Team Nottingham may be labelled as rank outsiders for 09 but they are still the olny side who could have won the last two SCC's on the last holes of each which is more than can be said of the blue Brum Scum!!

The atrocity of it all .....

Hello

Good Day

Following a press release from Mr Chris "I Like To Blow On My Own ... (Trumpet)" Seddon, anguish has spread through the SCC '09 team members. It was believed that the SCC committee had been fair in awarding Mr Seddon with a generous 7 shots for this years tournaments, only to see that generosity being jizzed back in their faces.

It is believed that Mr Seddon has being playing (at worst) to 6 shots in recent rounds and that the particularly difficult par 67 Royal St Whore-Itch has been "torn-another-one"!

I know it is not for me to say, but I will, that we should pass a motion for Mr Seddon to be cut by 2 to 5 shots for 'general play'.

Any other suggestions would be greatly appreciated, and no Nick he wont do THAT! I mean golf suggestions.

On another note may I congratulate Mrs Nick "No Sex" Brooker on his hole-in-one whilst playing Gramacho. And may I be the first to say to Nick, "Any Hole's A Goal!" so congratulations. Do this mean that you have had sex, in some absurd golf/fettish/ism?

Until 13 days time (and Sed's - Saturday, Mr Captain - Next week) see you all soon!

Happy Whacking

Mr Peter "Length Is My Middle Name" Bumwell (President '09)

Seddon Fires a personal record!

After battling hard with his game it seems the Team Liverpool Dynamo and Musician to the stars has final cracked it! After playing the world renowned 9 hole Royal Horwich Golf Club, Lancashire....(Bolton), Seddon was in high spirits on the 9th/18th hole as he had broken 80 for the first time this season. The born again scouser fired a shattering 76 which was only 9 over par. A fine effort all Sed and done but hopes of him playing to his designated 7 Handicap for this years SCC Pennard adventure are still in the balance.
On other SCC news, the rumour is that Bumwell, of team womanchester has started to get to the 'bottling stage' already whilst his team mate Neil Hunt is changing his swing once again from strict orders from Sue Hunt, an avid Team Liverpool supporter. All looks well at Team Nottingham as Big Nose's Brother and grandad Sorter have managed to hit the ball for the first time this season........Breaking news......Nick Brooker (Team Birmingham) is still struggling to locate his penis. After a "hole in one" whilst on golf camp in the algarve, Brooker managed to thin a rescue club for an eagle and went to locate his little friend to celebrate only to find his penis was in his Wife's room, (Mr M Nowland) begging on advice how to find a fanny!

A short press release will be made in the next few days on this years new competition, The SCC 2009 Poker Tournament. On which evening this will be held is still to be discussed.

Nottingham Odds Lengthen

Well known Second City Challenge FWAG (Fiancés, Wives And Girlfriends) Eleanor Ward has been overheard discussing the preparations of Team Nottingham for SCC2009. Ward, who first became known to fans of the competition following her week-long photo diary for the Daily Star newspaper during the build-up to last years competition, was captured whilst lunching with fellow FWAG Claire Smith in a trendy Nottingham bar.

The main topic of discussion between the infamous pair, who managed to finish four bottles of white wine in their lunch hour, revolved around a recent practice game between the Nottingham pairing. Ward seemed close to tears as she spilled all to her friend Smith. It appears that during the “behind closed doors” match between Dominic Williams and Pimon Sorter, Sorter managed to loose 15 balls in 11 holes. At an average of 1.36 balls per hole, on that form Porter will need 74 balls for the pending SCC2009!

We tried to contact Mr Sorter to confirm this, but he has so far been unavailable for comment. He was captured (below) arriving at Rushcliffe golf course for another round, presumably aiming to make it to the 12th on this occasion!

Benny One-Putt Hails ‘Perfect Win’

Benny ‘one-putt’ Williams has claimed an encouraging victory in the first official SCC2009 warm-up event of the year. The highly respected Stephen George & Partners Crazy Golf Open Championship was hosted by the Star City Adventure Island Mini Golf Course which is towered over by the awe inspiring spaghetti junction, on the outskirts of picturesque Birmingham.

On his was to a score of 44 (+6), Williams carded an impressive hole in one on the revered 9th hole, a dog leg right, then left, then right again which includes several outrageous mounds, some nasty looking boulders and a sneaky drainpipe shortcut.

Upon receiving the trophy in front of a near capacity crowd, Benny had this to say: “Winning this event is a proud moment for me. Stephen George & Partners are a great architects practice whom I know have at least one outstanding urban designer on their books. Their support of the Respect campaign has been outstanding and is a very worthy cause.”

When questioned about his game preparations for the SCC, he told us that “the hours of practice I’ve been spending with my new putter and changes to my stroke have given an immediate return. I’m just so happy!”

Other teams have previously pointed to one-putts game on the greens as Team Birmingham’s major flaw. This win is likely to shoot fear to the heart of the other competitors as the build up to this years event continues.

Liverpool Commitment

At today’s SCC press briefing, Matt Atkinson confirmed Team Liverpool’s intention to continue their participation in the competition for the foreseeable future.
In light of recent rumours regarding the Scouse pairing, Atkinson was keen to stress that neither him nor his partner, Chris Seddon have ever been tempted to join Team Bolton, the renegade team set up by Russian Billionaire Growman Bigcockovich.

Atkinson refused to be drawn on the speculation surrounding himself and Bigcockovich and was visibly annoyed when one reporter repeatedly quizzed him about the photos published in last weekends News of the World.

In an effort to defect attention from the latest sleazy scandal to embroil this years SCC competition, Atkinson announced that Team Liverpool are changing from their orange shirts to white. And whilst the star suggested that this was purely a commercial decision, speculation continues that the move to white shirts is the first toward the transformation into Team Bolton.

South Korea Golf?

As many of you will know by now, the SCC is not just a British phenomenon, it is a global orgy fest, pulling in visitors from far flung countries such as Argentina, India and even Ireland. So my next phase as President is to encourage visitors from SOUTH KOREA to view our blog.

I will be starting a South Korea Golf poll and those of you who are correct in you answer will receive a pint from myself on the SCC weekend, so please post your answers in the blog, otherwise they won't count.

Question: When will a person view the blog from South Korea?

1. 0 - 2 Weeks
2. 2 - 4 Weeks
3. 4 - 6 weeks
4 Not Before the SCC '09 Smackdown


In order to encourage South Korean searches i will now just add random words. South Korea Golf, South Korea, South Korean Golf.South Korea Golf, South Korea, South Korean Golf.South Korea Golf, South Korea, South Korean Golf.South Korea Golf, South Korea, South Korean Golf.South Korea Golf, South Korea, South Korean Golf.

Wonder how long until we are number one hit on Google for South Korea Golf?

Adiue

SCC Caddie Selections

As Mr President for the next three years i have decided to add a "Caddie Selection"
(near the bottom of the blog) gallery to our blog. I hope that this is acceptable to all members and any any comments would be greatly recieved.

Team Manchester - An Apology

*News Feed 12.55pm 20/4/2009*

Interviewer- ".... And we come live now from outside The Bumwell Label Company for Mr President Peter Bumwell's response to Team Nottingham's scandalous reports...."

Peter Bumwell- "Ladies, Gentleman, Nick. I stand here before you today ashamed and disgraced. I have known for a while about the circulation of the damaging photograph and was worried about what rumor would be brought with it.

I can clearly see that Mr D (for D!ck) Williams, has quite blatantly got the wrong end of the stick (so to speak). If you look at the picture a bit closer you will notice that Neil, 34, is actually sitting a foot closer to the camera than myself and the perspective makes it look that he is licking my lucious lips. But this is not the case, the actual story (and this is the reason why I am so ashamed and disgraced) is that this picture clearly shows what I was looking away from, and what Neil was not happy (sticking his tounge out in a childlike manner) about.

As President of the SCC, I would like to confirm the news that Mr D (for D!ick) Williams has no penis.



Many a man thought that he was quite well endowed, and no more so than Team Liverpools local sexual-homo Mr C (Massive C) Seddon and regular sexual-pest Mrs M Nowland.

We can see that upon further inspection it is none other than a pink Tie, and no-one is more disappointed than Mr Seddon.

A statement from the pair is due to be released later on today from their one bed sex-dungeon.

I apologise for the hurt this may cause some people, my only hope is that this matter can be "put to bed"."

Interviewer - ".... Shocking I'm sure you'll agree. Now over to James at Mr N (Gay) Brooker's flouse on day 3,465 of sex watch to see if Nick has lost his redeveloped virginity?"

James- "No"

Interviewer- "Thanks James, back to the studio."

Team Manchester Officially 'Come out'

It will come as no suprise to regular visitors of this extremely popular blogsite that the Team Manchester pairing of Pete Bumwell and Neil Gayton have decided to end speculation about their 'special' relationship by revealing exclusively to blogspot.com that they are involved in a long term serious sexual relationship. It is not known whether or not the pair had planned to come out with this news or whether they were made aware of the attached image of them enjoying a nice quiet meal together at their favourite bistro pub - The Old Cock Inn in Soho which forced their hand. The pair were snapped whilst undertaking what can only be described as a damn good tongueing session, it is thought that this lead to some pretty horrific sex games that would shock the majority of our readers and would drag the repuatation of this highly revered site down to the doldroms.

Bumwell who so graciously allowed other SCC members join him at his 9 hole pitch and putt in Hale had this to say: " I have always kind of known that I like boys, even from a young age I was the first in the showers and the last out. I have been living a lie, my marriage to Neil's sister was a ploy to get close to him, I couldn't control myself, I feel like I have let everyone down by lying over the years." Team Nottingham superstar Simon Porter heard about this comment and said "he (Bumwell) really has let everyone down, I never had this sort of problem when playing with Nick Faldo."

This news will no doubt need to be discussed with the SCC Captain Ben Williams who will need to make the call as to whether the SCC will allow two such outwardly blatant bummers into this years tournament.

Watch this space for news updates which will no doubt be posted imminently.

SCC Superstars Remember The Little People!

Five years ago no one could have ever imagined that the SCC would have turned into the great championship that we see today.  Last years event saw record crowds (3 people looked through the window of clubhouse wondering why we were playing in the pissing rain!) and an unprecedented standard of golf played (Bumwell - 114 shots, 12 balls etc!).

But with the great success has come some bad press.  The untouchable superstars of the SCC such as Peter 'I've run out golf balls' Bumwell and Ben '3 or 4 putt' Williams have been living the high life, reaping the rewards that come with being an Amatuer Champion of InterCity Major Championship Golf and turning their backs on the 9 hole municipals where they learnt their trade with their 'less talented' mates.  Wait a minute, Bumwell still plays at a 9 hole municipal doesn't he?

Anyway, with this in mind some of the biggest names in SCC history have decided to allow a couple of their biggest fans the opportunity to walk the same emerald turf as them this weekend.  Watch 'boom boom' Brooker smash a drive, see 'lets hit a fade' Guyton caress one greenwards, have a chat with 'lets make a funny northern joke' Seddon.  All of these will be happening when some of the stars of the SCC generously donate their time in aid of charity  and the two highest bidders that will be playing some golf with them this Easter are Matt 'I can't remember his surname but he has just bought a house with Emily' Thingey and Martin 'Pete clearly didn't get his golfing talent from me' Bumwell.

The warm up will be played at some northern pitch and putt with the grand finale at Royal Harborne GC. 

Dark Clouds Gather Over Sherwood Forest

The SCC rumour mill has gone into overdrive of late with news that Team Nottingham have once again shown that they are very much Sherriff of Nottingham and not Robin Hood when it comes to fair play…

A source of this reporter understands that Dominic “Tuck” Williams is intent on copying the preparation of Team Birmingham superstar “Long” Ben Williams in the run in to this years competition. Not content with making his hair the same colour as Long Ben, it is rumoured that Tuck has now also been seen playing with the same putter!

Bens recent change to the Odyssey two-ball from the Ping putter which has widely been reported as being possibly the hardest putter to use in the world ever, members of Harborne GC have been treated to some spectacular putting of late.
It is thought that Tuck must have placed spies in the Harborne club who have reported back to him with news of the change which have then lead to this dark move.

These underhand tactics will surely not go unnoticed by the SCC committee and there have been unconfirmed reports that SCC2009 Captain Ben Williams is considering disciplinary action.

Tee Times Confirmed

2009 SCC Captain Mr B Williams can now confirm tee times for this years event. As is customary, the reigning champions will be off first on Friday morning. All matches will be decided in the usual manner - a few scaps of paper pulled out of a pint glass by the hottest looking girl in the pub on Thursday night.

Tee times are confimed as;

Friday 26th June 2009

Morning tees;
9.30am: Team Birmingham v Team ??
9.38am: Team ?? v Team ??

Afiernoon tees;
3.20pm: Team Birmingham v Team ??
3.30pm: Team ?? v Team ??

Saturday 27th June 2009
2.00pm: Team Birmingham v Team ??
2.10pm: Team ?? v Team ??

Bumwell can't hide his delight

Blogspot.com can exclusively reveal that Pete Bumwell has been spotted on camera during a live sex show with what appears to be other members of his new family. This photograph provides clear evidence of Pete enjoying himself a little too much in the presence of his new cousin-in-law with the major surprise being that the cousin-in-law in question is not a Mr N Brooker! This incriminating photograph was taken 35 seconds into the family sex game and Bumwell appears to have already made his contribution - rumours of a biscuit in the middle of the room are as yet unsubstantiated.

Bumwell has a history of 'getting his clubs out too early' and being a little over zealous when 'cleaning his balls' but this story is no doubt going to cause friction with Bumwell's long suffering partner Ms N Guyton. Team Manchester are already rank outsiders for SCC 2009 and stories such as will certainly not help their cause.

Our top reporter managed to track down Team Liverpool's joker Chris Seddon to gain valuable insight into the psyche of Bumwell and his bizarre sex games but Seddon wouldn't / couldn't comment because at the time he appeared to be enjoying what looked like a wet biscuit of some sort.

Seddon's nickname is the musicman, which his down to his love of blowing his own trumpet, which is alledgedly is the same name another one of the games that Pete Bumwell likes to play.

Up until recently Team Liverpool's mercurial big hitter has been very quiet on the blogging front, but rumour has it that following his split with Birmingham's very own Casanova, Mike 'long shlong' Nowland, he has spent less time playing Pro evo and generally bumming around which should see him joining in the fun and entering his own blogs on to this extremely valuable and informative blogsight.

Everyone Gets A Prize...

As being President of the Second City Challenge i would first like to welcome Mr B Obama into our select group. I know what you are all thinking, you're thinking "Is he going to go with a racist joke, or a dumb american president jibe." Well i'm going to surprise you and do neither... what i will say though is that i know he is going to do a great job, as those type of folk do work so very hard.

Now onto the golf, and what a week it has been. Team Birmingham were supposed to take on the better half of Team Manchester last weekend, in what was going to be a competition of epic proportions. They tried lots of nasty tricks to get Peter to pull out, one being trying to get him arrested at a petrol station for theft (true story!), but in the end they were so scared about being beaten, that they phoned ahead and got Harborne to close their stupid effing sh!tty course. As you can tell there are no hard feelings about getting up at 7 in the the morning, on a Sunday, with a cold brewing. Peter has seemed to have taken it all in his stride, although he did have a short comment to say to Team Birmingham, "C**ts."

But i assure, avid SCC followers, this past weekend was all worth the effort, for this little story i am going to tell you now....

Along time ago, when the ugly part of Team Manchester (Neil) was only young, he gained an older, female, admirer. He could never remember why such an aging lady had a "crush" on him, until his mother, a Mrs H Guyton, reminded him of the fact that he had won the trophy that the older lady had donated to Letchworth Golf Club. Upon hearing this news Neil replied, "No mother you must be mistaken, for i had such limp wrists when i was a young child i could barley put my pink jumpers on. I'm sure i never won an actual trophy." Mrs H Guyton replied,"Ah but that is where you are mistaken, my little homosexual child. You won that guilded putter one year for (and this is the best bit) .... 'Trying The Hardest'". Ha - gay!

I thought that i would share that with you. Until next time adieu.

Mr President (not President Elect)

Peter Bramwell (legend)

Another "Hole In One" Controvesry....

When Team Manchesters top number two player, Neil Guyton, was publicly disgraced for his "I got a hole in one but nobody saw it" antics, the SCC board was happy to wash their hands of the scum that surrounded the story, but it seems that the players haven't learnt.

Nick Brooker, still single, claimed to have succesfully secured his first hole-in-one at the weekend, whilst playing a round of golf with his 'friends'. He had claimed that he had 'slam-dunked' his tee shot from the 14th (known as Ben's Bush to the locals) straight into the hole.

Upon questioning his so called playing partners they seemed to recall the incident in quite a different manner. Local blind man Mr A Jones, 23, had accompanied Nick on his round that afternoon,"I quite clearly remember Nick's tee shot as he seemed quite annoyed that he had shanked it into the woods. When we got near to the green we had to look for his ball in the trees whilst Nick said,'I'll go and check the hole in case it got a lucky bounce off the tree and rolled in!' And as luck would have it, it had. I still don't trust that fella, i can't see but i can certainly see through his lies." Strong words from a respected man, i'm sure you will agree.

In an also unfortunate twist of events, Harborne Golf club has been closed today and has been stripped of it's licence to be a golfing playground due to having larger than regulation size holes. It appears that there was a deal on in B&Q last weekend and the club thought it would save themselves some money by buying 18 buckets.

Second City? I don't think so.

Pete (legend) Bramwell

Drastic Measures

In an attempt to remedy a slight issue with his putting, Nick Brooker, 26 from Bearwood, has decided to totally remove it from the game. The plan was first brought into action on Sunday the 26th October at the 14th Hole of Harborne Golf Club. Stood on the tee, 167 yards away from the pin with a slight tail wind from right to left an 8 iron was selected and dispatched right at the target. Furthermore it was decided that no green can be accurately read from over 160 yards away so the only course of action to remove the unpredictable slopes on the mantle of the earth from the equation and fly the ball directly into the cup! The cup, half full of the previous nights rainfall exploded on impact the 4 ball erupted.

This shot capped a very successful weekend for one half of the most electrifying team in SCC history as the Saturday saw him crowned Harborne Golf Club Scratch Matchplay Champion with a resounding 7&6 victory over a +1 handicapper, netting 4 birdies and an eagle in the 12 holes played.

In other news, Team Nottingham front man Dominic Williams took a right spanking at the hands of the Team Birmingham (half) marathon man, Ben 'my nose cuts through the wind and allows me to run for longer than you' Williams. Rumour has it that Ben was also victorious in their golf match.

The weekends events will surely strike fear into the hearts of the rest of the SCC competitors with Team Manchester already making room for the Wooden Spoon Trophy in the 2009 edition at Pennard Golf Club.

Fisher Putters enter administration!

On the news that renowned s*** putter and all round bottle job Peter Bramwell has turned to Fisher putters after he was unceremoniously dumped by Odyssey have caused the company untold harm. The fledgling company had seen sales rise steadily over the last 12 months but recent news has caused sales to virtually stop and 103% of previously purchased Fisher putters are now on Ebay.

Fisher president (pictured) said "I'm devastated but it's our own fault. We should have followed lead of Scotty Cameron, Ping, Taylormade and recently Odyssey of banning Bramwell from being seen using our products. I can only apologise to the shareholders"

Sponsors Outraged....

It appears that Team Manchester's leading player, Peter "Legend" Bramwell, has embroiled himself in controversy this week. A spokesman from 'Odyessy' has been quoted as saying,"It is with great sadness that Peter has decided to change his putter for SCC '09. We had almost perfected this years "Two Foot" model for Peter to use, we are deeply disappointed that he has now chosen another brand."

The brand in question, Fisher, have released there new range of putters at just the right time. Peter is believed to have liked the patented "Built in anti-bottling technology" and with the added bonus of his new "Excuses" catalogue he seems to have made the right choice. Watching him practice with his new putter we managed to see a sneak preview of his excuses for 2009. The first was the obvious," I'm still not used to the speed off the face," followed swiftly by,"This new grip really will take some getting used to."

The choices of colours for the face insert threw a lot of options open for him which he talked through with us earlier, "I had the 'firm' option of "Gay Green", the 'really soft' option of "Ugly Scummy Baby Blue" or the one which I chose "We Have Won The SCC Twice And Team Birmingham Have Never Beaten Us - Red", it seems like he made the correct choice.

Only time will tell if his new purchase will improve his golf, but Peter doesn't seem to be too bothered as he said, "It looks good when i hold it and the head-cover is very pretty."

Player Accommodation Confirmed

Confirmation earlier this month of the player accommodation for SCC2009 has sparked a frenzy in the sleepy village of Mumbles, near Swansea. B&B's within a 50 mile radius are now fully booked and the popularity of the competition is such that local estate agents have reported a 5000% rise in local property prices.

No 74 Woodville Road, a generously proportioned three storey family house located within easy walking distance of the beaches of Langland and Rotherslade is now guaranteed a place in golfing history. The 5 bedroomed property benefits from off street parking for several cars and views over Swansea Bay from the first and second floor.

For the first time in SCC history, it will be only through personal preference that any one team shares a bed, as No 74 confortably sleeps 9 people. Further details of the property are available via the "Accommodation" link on the SCC official web-site, or by following the link below; http://www.homefromhome.com/property.aspx?propref=78

Team Nottingham - Perennial under-achievers or just nice guys?

Team Nottingham stalwart and page 5 fella, Dom Williams has disclosed a press release on his personal website www.iwillcrapinpetesjeansthenexttimeihavetheminmysights.com suggesting tongue in cheek that Team Nottingham decided in 2007 that they would give the other teams a chance to get their names on the winners trophy before they take them all to the cleaners.

Williams was asked whether it was a coincidence that in the last two years that Team Nottingham have had a chance to win the tournament on the 54th hole but then bottled it. He scoffed "we had it in our minds to put up a challenge but wanted to massage Team Manchester and more recently Team Birmingham's ego's as neither of the two teams have much going for them. We care too much about our friends to let a little competition getting in the way - we are not bottlers, we really are just very nice people."

Team Nottingham tend to dampen down their chances of winning before the start of every SCC, however the other competitors are all fully aware of the dangers that they pose - the over-exaggerated slice, the follow through smash of the driver on the tee before the swing has even finished and the shouting of "Simon... every time!"

Williams Junior was delighted to hear of Bumwell's recent handicap declaration and was quoted saying "Pete has his off days just like the best of us, but did he really think he would get away with cheating for the 4th year on the trot? I counted every one of his 114 shots at Aberdovey and in truth would have been happy to give him the full handicap entitlement, however the dirty fake Mancunian has clearly put some practice in over the past few months which is great news as I was embarrassed for him last year."

Simon Porter also of Team Nottingham has also chipped into the handicap debate suggesting that it is directly related to the amount of sex that each individual is receiving, the lower the handicap, the less likely you are to cop off. Porter's theory is supported by Bumwell's recent Marriage and subsequent reduction in handicap - no need to mention that Nick plays of 0.9! Simon commented that he is currently playing off 28 and swinging the club as well as ever, he also stated that he is very happy with the arrival of his young filipino house boy, whom he has been spending a lot of time with recently!

Unlucky For Some...

13 (thirteen) is the natural number after 12 and before 14.

It is the smallest integer with eight letters in its spelled out name in English.

It is the age at which children become teenagers.

It is the sixth prime number; the next is seventeen.

13 is the second Wilson prime.

13 is the fifth Mersenne prime exponent, yielding 8191.

13 is the second star number and the seventh Fibonacci number. As it is an odd-indexed Fibonacci number, it is a Markov number, appearing in solutions to the "Markov Diophantine equation": (1, 5, 13), (1, 13, 34), (5, 13, 194), ...

13 is also the second happy prime, following 7, and the rethorical 1.

Thirteen is the first prime number to be the aliquot sum of two numbers; the cube 27, and the discrete biprime 35 and it is the base of the 13-aliquot tree.

There are 13 Archimedean solids.

13 goes into 999,999 exactly 76,923 times, so vulgar fractions with 13 in the denominator have six digit repeating sequences in their decimal expansions. It is thus the smallest half period prime.

If you take the digits as single figures and apply them to each member of Team Birmingham, you quite remarkably get their individual I.Q. figures.

Now this fascinating number has one more proud fact to add to it's name. Peter Bramwell, Team Manchester's Leading Blog Supporter, is now a handicap holder of the afforementioned value. Whilst this has come as quite a shock to the SCC community, it has only lengthed Team Manchesters preverbial penis when it comes to their bragging rights.

A quote from Peter earlier on today was what can only be described as a long rasberry noise follwed swiftly by raising two fingers to the rest of the SCC teams. Neil, Peters long suffering partner, describe the actions as, "foolish, childish behaviour for such a sporting legend. Peter doesn't quite understand that his new handicap is actually more damaging to his chances then an actual physical handicap would be."

Team Manchester hopes hang in the balance

The hopes (and expectations) of all Team Manchester supporters of their favourites regaining the coveted Second City Challenge trophy appear to be hanging in the balance. This follows the scandalous decision by Hale Golf Club to slash form player, Peter Bramwell's handicap to 13 - this only however appears unlucky for the team in red.

A Hale GC representative spoke of the revision with the following. "Following Mr Bramwell's success in our individual knock-out, we felt it our duty to cut his handicap. We would not like to see another SCC tournamant blighted through inflated handicaps as displayed in 2008 at Aberdovey by the Williams brothers".

Peter Bramwell's Team Manchester team-mate, Neil Guyton, responded to this drastic move by indicating the rarity of Peter's success and pointed towards the now infamous round at Aberdovey which cost 12 balls, 114 shots and his dignity, and the fact that when faced with a 2 hole lead with 3 to play in the final of the singles knock out, the quality of ball striking disintegrated to a quality not seen since Jean van de Velde at Carnoustie over a decade ago (including a comical effort to lag a 24 inch putt to a mere 22 inches past the hole).

Team Manchester's opponents have reacted with delight to the news, with Team Birmingham stalwart Ben Williams saying. "The cutting of Bumwell's handicap to 13 is way overdue as Team Manchester have put us to the sword every year so far, and to be honest we have been lucky to escape with 2 half points out of the 5 games to date - Team Manchester winning at Pennard in 2009 must be as unlikely as Hull winning at the Emirates.................ahh sh*t"

An Apology...

Dear Reader, I would like to apoligise for the image which i displayed yesterday. I feel ashamed and disgraced to say that the photo had been altered from it's original content. I feel that i must offer my sincerest apology to Nick Brooker and would like to show everyone the true photo and hope that no further mishaps occur again.

It is clear in the actual image that Nick wasn't in a playground scaring young children. In fact he was in a "man's man" bar enjoying a socially responsible drink with his close "companions". This clearly exonorates him as a man hanging around schools and in fact puts him in an appropriate, and legal, "bum sex" environment.

I hope this clears up any misunderstanding.

Mr President

This is the athlete others are supposed to fear?!?!?!

Given the recent post by the new matchplay champion of Hale GC, the rest of the SCC competitors are in no doubt that Peter Bramwell-Guyton is a huge over achiever in all sporting/athletic arenas.

It was thought previously that his 2 wins in previous editions of the SCC were entirely down to his partner (Mrs Neil C.(h)unt) carrying him the whole way round but given his recent victory the conclusion has been made that he is just a lucky git.  The above photo proves beyond reasonable doubt that he has no sporting acumen whatsoever and he should he ever achieve anything in the future it will be complete luck!

Two Feet To Victory...

It was a late summers afternoon that has seen the biggest shock in the golfing season this year. A startled spectator commented on the occasion as, "One of golfing histories minor miracles," and as a proud SCC President, I can confirm that "Two Foot Bottle Job" Pete Bramwell clinched victory in his club knockout competiton. In what was a spectacular match Peter managed to sneak a two foot putt to just 18 inches past the hole to secure a solid win on the 18th hole.

What has been a very upsetting result for the other teams of SCC has only bolstered Team Manchester's chances and spirit for next years competition. After what was a very poor show from the aforementioned CHAMPION in this years SCC meeting, we are all hoping that his current form can remain through a tough season to come for the struggling Bowdon 8's hockey side.

A very bitter Nick Brooker and long term "partner" Mike Nowland have commented, "I don't give a monkeys. Even if his new found extra length and accuracy has helped his game, he certainly won't be sharing a bed with us." Nick, 32 (months of no sex with a female), has controversially given up his hockey career to focus on his training for "SCC 2009 - 'Fore' Years". This is a bold move for Nick which is only going to result in him spending more time with Mike and substantially raise his chances of getting gonorrhea.

So with only 9 moths to go the competition against looks very close (obviously disregarding team Nottingham, let's not get silly about it) and it looks like anybody can clinch the coveted SCC trophy (refer back to my last brackets comment).

Bring on 2009.

Mr President

Champion and all round golfing legend Peter Bramwell

SCC2009 to Visit Pennard

It is with great pleasure that Captain B Williams can officially confirm that The Second City Challenge 2009 will be hosted by Pennard Golf Club, in South Wales.

Located 8 miles west of Swansea in the Gower Peninsula in an area of outstanding natural beauty, Golf has been played at Pennard since 1896. The holes are routed over classically undulating and tumbling linksland, full of hummocks, hillocks and hollows and pocked with dunes large and small. Yet this exceptional terrain is not beside the shore as would be generally expected of a classic links - it is two hundred feet above it and for this reason Pennard is affectionately known as "the links in the sky."

Pennard GC has been voted in the top 100 courses in the British Isles for the past 3 years and is currently rated as the fourth best course in Wales. Although Pennard has hosted a number of prestigious events in recent years, the capture of SCC2009 is likely to be rated as a major highlight in the long history of the club.

Players will be receiving invitations in due course, with the event scheduled to take place over the weekend of Friday 26th June 2009. Following the success of SCC2008, the revised format will continue, consisting of two rounds on Friday followed by one on Saturday. As is tradition, Team Birmingham the reigning champions, will tee off first on Friday morning. Tee times will be made available shortly.

Accommodation for the players is currently being reviewed. It is likely that a suitable establishment will be chosen in Mumbles, a short drive from Pennard. Details of this will be made available when appropriate.

The race is on for next year .....

So much time, so little to do...

Interest Grows in SCC.... again

Following the earlier article detailing the internet post of David Creswick, it is clear that the popularity of the SCC is growing at a fair rate. In response to Creswicks remarks on the BBC website, Pimon Sorter notes with great excitement that he was intending to attend SCC2008. Let's hope he enjoyed the golfing feast that was on display!

http://www.bbc.co.uk/wales/northwest/sites/aberdyfi/pages/askalocal.shtml?comment=response#thanks

Aberdovey enjoyed " outstanding" etiquette

Ben Williams has recieved a glowing response to the earlier correspondence thanking Aberdovey for hosting SCC2008. The letter from Ian Hamilton, Manager of Aberdovey GC praises the players "behaviour and etiquette", stating that it "was outstanding and a real credit to the game that we cherish."

The letter is finished on a lighter note and probably refers mainly to the presence of Ben "pin-up boy" Williams. Hamilton states that "we don't oftern get pictures of young golf punks like yourself so I have posted your picture in the ladies changing room." No word of a lie - read the letter for yourself (below)!

"Wonderful" Course Formally Recognised by Players

A letter has today been sent to Averdovey golf course praising the way in which it hosted this years competition. In-coming captain, Ben Williams goes on the record with a glowing acknowedgement of the welcome recieved from both staff and members.

This formal recognition of the contribution which Aberdovey made to another hugely successful competition is likely to lead to a massive increase in visitor numbers. New membership applications have been so large in number that the local postman has been signed off work for a month with a bad back!

As a final beautiful gesture by the players, a photograpgh of the 4 teams was sent to the club with a letter. And, in a special treat for all members of the club, the photo was signed by Ben Williams, one half of this years winning team.

SCC 2008 Official Photos Released

2008 Competitors

2008 Winners - Team Birmingham

2008 Wooden Spoon Recipients - Team Liverpool

Peter Bumwell after ONE round of golf cost him 114 shots and 12 golf balls (ouch!)

Unlucky camera angle or doggy fiddler .....

An apparent backlash from SCC Team Birmingham winner Nick Brooker has ended up with him being in more bother than he originally expected.

Seen here on a close up of the picture he released to media, it is quite apparent that Nick Brooker likes nothing more than to insert his grubby fingers into live pets. "Not only am i shocked, but disgusted," said Ben Williams, Brooker's team mate and bed sharing partner. "When it came to golf he always told me that he liked to get his hands dirty, but this really takes the (dog) biscuit. He needs to have a serious word with himself and sort his fetishes out, the dirty, dirty b@stard."

Nick Brooker is yet to comment.

How can this man be a law breaker????

Nick Brooker has not hit back angrily at recent comments (as this is not in his nature), but has made it clear that he has never nor would ever participate in such recreational activities.

Brooker, pictured above, is not only a man of of the people, but a renowned animal lover (not in that way!) and maintains he has always played his sport with total sportsmanship his number one priority.

'I may F & Jeff on the course a bit, maybe the odd the club chuck, I may also have earned over 15 cards during the recent hockey season but quite clearly I would never jeopardise my promising SCC career with such a flagrant disregard for the rules'. He continued to say 'I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that this image is the handy work of the very talented P Bumwell of a bitter Team Manchester. I say talented in a photshop sense of course as 114 and 12 lost balls doesn't equate to mastery of the course now!'

DRUGS SCANDAL ROCKS SCC 08

It has been revealed exclusively to blogspot.com that the SCC 08 Champions Team Birmingham have been stripped off their title, resulting in Team Nottingham moving up into 1st place. Nick Brooker of Team Birmingham has failed a random drugs test, Brooker who performed so incredibly well throughout the tournament missed his 1st scheduled drugs test and when quizzed over his whereabouts he commented "I was out buying vegetables, i knew nothing about a test and I have nothing to fear as I am clean and would never touch drugs."

When the drugs unit finally got to carry out their tests, Brooker tested positive for Cannabis, Ketamine, liquid gold, lavender, lily of the valley, 17 different kinds of semen and viagra.

This image quite clearly shows Brooker with what can only be described as a dirty great spliff on a recent sex trip that he made to Amsterdam. Brooker has a shady past and it appears that his live fast die young, sex rock and roll lifestyle (maybe not the sex!) has caught up with him. Although Cannabis is not classed as a performance enhancing drug, Roger and Alan at the PGA HQ are keen to kick all drug users out of the sport. It is not clear as to how long Brooker will be be banned for, however it is highly unlikely that he will be allowed to play at SCC09.

Brooker's partner, who also happens to play golf with him, Ben Williams who put in three fantastic rounds of golf has a history of strong antibiotic use, however he appears to have avoided the radar of the drugs unit.

Team Nottingham's Dom Williams commented "We were not surprised by this breaking newstory, Nick was smoking all the way around Aberdovey's golf course, I walked into the locker room to see him doing a line off one of the urinals. We would obviously have preferred to have won this most coveted trophy outright, but the cheating Brummie yam yam ba****ds need to be taught a lesson"

Simon Porter also of team Nottingham said "I never had this sort of problem when playing with Nick Faldo." Porter was heard earlier today commenting that he has played with Faldo and that in his opinion Brooker hits the ball as well, if not better than the former Masters winner. It is apparent that the reason for this is his flagrant disregard to the law and his eagerness to fill his body with illegal substances.

Sincerity is a dish best served cold...

We, Team Manchester, would like to take this opportunity to wish all teams taking part in SCC '08 the very best of luck.

Remember Team Notingham, "It's not about winning, it's about taking part", and we will be taking you apart.

Hope you all have safe journeys and get there in good time. Team Liverpool, see you on Friday.

A Humble Apology

"I brings a tear to my eye when i have to think about it," confesses Team Manchesters prodigy, Peter Bramwell. "As for anybody who knew me then, I was going through a difficult phase in my life. I was deperately trying to recover from a bad bout of 'fashionitis' (commonly known as 'Bad Taste') before a party i was to attend. Unfortunately for many people there, i hadn't fully recovered.

I did apologise at the time, especially to Ken Lodge who is now blind due to the event, but unfortunately words cannot heal. Unless of course you are dumb, in which case they do.

I would like to keep the past behind me and focus on the events to come. Sorry again for the hurt this has caused, i can only promise that i will check myself in the mirror before leaving the house."

A true apology from a great man, i'm sure you will all agree.

SCC Superstar or Fashion Victim?

Team Manchester support player, Peter Bramwell (or Bumwell as he has requested to be known as for the purpose of this report) has been spotted recently at a Charity bash for the lesser known charity 'Western Association for Nipple Kripple Education Reforms or W.A.N.K.E.R's for short, wearing what can only be described as an outfit from hell. When questioned about his appearance, Bumwell stated that he thought he looked good and contrary to popular belief the scarf in question definetely does go with the black coat/jumper combo. In defense of his choice of hair style, Bumwell would not / could not defend himself, it can only be assumed that he had attended a bad taste party and was running late on the day in question. This latest sighting of Bumwell comes at a bad time for Team Manchester as they have recently been installed as Betdom.com as the favourites to take home the wooden spoon in a complete turnaround of last years tournament with team Nottingham quite surprisingly been tipped as red hot favourites.

Aberdovey Embraces Technology

News has been exclusively leaked to the SCC Commitee that Aberdovey is shaking off it's, "Stuck in the 1820's" stigma by launching a live webcam to show spectators the latest weather, "as it happens".

Found at:

http://www.aberdoveybreaks.com/webcam.html

Gavin "Typically Welsh" Jones (above) commented, "We wanted to show people that we're not all about mining and growing leeks, and i think this interweb camera device is just the thing that is going to put our town on the map." And Gavin should know as he is now the proud owner of Aberdoveys' first mobile phone. "They'll be telling me next that they've found a way to keep food cold!", Gavin chuckled.

Team Manchester Warm Up

Contrary to popular belief, Team Manchester have been vigorously training hard for this years SCC tournament. "Admittedly," says Peter Bramwell, "It hasn't been the prettiest golf we have played, but it's certainly a step in right direction. That is, of course, if the right direction is a massive shank followed by a fat approach shot, then a duff chip."

Seen here in recent pictures Team Manchester have been invited to test Augusta before the professionals were allowed to play.
"I think that the fairways are quite soft and the greens very forgiving", said Neil Guyton,"But i'm sure it's not even close to the tricky conditions we are all going to be experiencing next week."

Vice Scandle Rocks Tournement

In news that has shocked the world of golf to its core, it seems that Christopher Seddon of Team Liverpool has been involved in a "same-sex" relationship with notorious porn king, Mike Ock. Pictures exclusive to this website reveal the lovers captured in bed together following what residents of the hotel claimed was an "all night steamy rompathon".



It is believed that the executive committee have scheduled an emergency meeting to discuss the matter and all members have so far been unavailable for comment.

The Shame Of It....

Turgid rumors are rife again as "Sharron" stepped out from the silhouette of controversy. "I know what i saw, but i was mistaken", Sharron, 35, from Dudley announces, "It appeared to be huge but actually i was much closer than i first thought. So close, in fact, i am now taking antibiotics and have a mutated strain of tonsilitis/flarangitis/larangitis (delete where applicable) which altered my perception of 'length' and indeed 'depth'. I feel deeply ashamed to have collapsed at the scene and wish that i had never been caught up in this tangled web of deceit."

On a lighter note, Peter, 25 (but looks more of a 24), was out practicing for his warm up match against team mate Neil, 34 (and feeling the years), last night and can announce that he is "Bloody awesome". Though he doesn't like to brag about it much.

Call that length!!!!!!!!!

The residents of Aberdovey have hit back today, at claims from Team Birmingham lynchpin Ben Williams that they are scared of his extra 'length'.

Following a detailed Panorama investigation, the quotes from Addfwyn were indeed traced back not to the sleepy Welsh town but to a Mrs S. Williams, rumoured to be married to said SCC participant.

An angry Mrs Williams set the record straight this afternoon saying. 'I cannot dispute that I have made several comments over the last couple of week regarding the extra length that Ben has been showing but in no circumstances did I mention his golf or intend any sexual connotation. It's his nose I'm worried about.'